my happy little pill | phan

20: The Future Doesn't Look Too Straight

Dan's POV

I can nearly feel Phil's eyes burning into me as I stand up from the sofa in the lounge to make my way to the kitchen for a glass of water. I close the door of the lounge softly and breathe. As much as I appreciate Phil's support and affection, I need a little but of breathing space. I don't want to be wrapped in cotton wool.

But I guess I brought this all upon myself. If I hadn't taken those pills and wrote that note and filmed that video...

Oh, my God. I forgot about the Goodbye Internet video. Where the fuck is that now? Was Phil misfortune the enough to watch it. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

I quickly forget about my glass of cool water and scurry to my bedroom, shoving the door open briskly and storming to my camera that is perched on top of my drawer. My heart races and I can feel panic in my veins. Please tell me that Phil didn't watch -

"What are you doing in here?" I hear Phil's voice and I drop the camera on the ground. I curse. "You've been gone ages, and I thought you wanted to watch Game Of Thrones with me?"

"I...I do," I manage, picking up the camera again. "I'm just looking for, um, a video I need to edit, and I -"

Phil lowers his head. "Is this the...the farewell video you made?" he asks quietly.

I feel a stab in my heart. Shit. Phil fucking saw it. He knows about the video. I feel a heat creep up my neck and into my cheeks, burning my skin. My stomach drops. An unintelligible noise comes from the back of my throat.

"Hey, it's okay," Phil comes over to me and I realise that I'm sat on the floor motionlessly staring at my hands and the camera fixedly. He sits next to me and crosses his legs. His fingers curl around my shoulders and I lean into him. His eyes are the colour of cold water and his icy pale skin is surprisingly warm. I grip the sleeve of his shirt and rest my head on his chest. He breathes.

"I never wanted to hurt you," I whisper. "This is all my fault, Phil."

"Sh," Phil strokes my hair out of my face. "None of this is your fault. Don't blame yourself."

"But it is," I protest. "It's my fault that you look at me like I'm a fucking wounded animal, and I have lost your trust and you're probably only with me because you feel sorry for me right now because I literally don't show anything for you. You're doing all of the work in this relationship and you work so hard, and I don't show anything back, but Phil I need you to know that I love you and -"

"Dan," Phil cuts me off with his hand on the top of my head. "I know. It's okay."

I turn around in his arms and collide into him, pressing my lips against his. He gasps at my cold fingers sliding under my shirt and running up and down the skin of his chest and feeling his steady heart. He kisses me back hard, hungrily, and runs his fingers through my hair and messing it up completely, but I don't care. We sit there cross-legged on the floor just kissing for the longest time, and it feels so good; it's like the hollow in my heart has been filled with the golden sunshine that is Philip Lester who I don't deserve to have in my life. What have I done to deserve him?

His hands are on my waist and he traces his lips down my neck, earning a small moan from me. My heart swells in my chest. I tilt my head back as he sucks on a sweet spot at the hollow of my throat, and I tighten my grip on Phil's shoulders. Oh, God, I love him so goddamn much. I duck my head down again and crash into his lips and I slide my tongue into his mouth slowly, rhythmically, and he tastes of salt and coffee and chocolate.

When we finally break away, I am panting and gasping for breath and my lungs ache for air. I look at the carpeted floor and then to his achingly beautiful eyes and a tiny smile creeps across my face. Phil smiles back at me, his eyes shining.

"The Phandom is really missing out on all of this, aren't they?" Phil laughs. "I almost feel a little sorry for them."

"Yeah," I sigh, laughing airily and never taking my dark eyes off Phil. "But only some of them. I feel sorry for the ones that might actually appreciate our excuses for keeping everything so quiet and for hiding the status of our relationship from the world, and those who genuinely ship us. I'm just so scared of what the rest of our Subscribers would think. Even the true Phan shippers; would they unsubscribe from us and turn away from us if we suddenly came out and told the truth? Would they accuse us of being homophobic? Because, hell, I'm not homophobic and I never fucking was. Some people though just take everything too far and I like our privacy, you know?"

Phil is silent for a long moment, and he traces the infinity sign on the knee of my black skinny jeans. He's so fucking adorable.

"I know," he finally says, removing his hand from my leg. "I hate the dishonesty though. But I'm not asking you to tell the world or anything, Dan. I know why we should keep it a secret but..." he bites his lip and blushes. The dark crimson colour creeps up his neck and darkens his cheeks. "But what if one day...you know..." he trails off, clearly embarrassed about something.

I try to search his eyes for what he might be trying to say, but his eyes keep flitting away from mine. "Phil?"

"It's nothing, forget about it," he shakes his head.

I grab his hand and lightly squeeze so that he looks up at me and I catch his eyes. "No, tell me. What is it?"

Phil's cheeks darken even further and my heart melts a little. He clears his throat a little awkwardly and casts his gaze back to the carpet. I swear to God, Phil and his bloody eye-contact skills ugh.

"What if..." he begins and takes a deep breath. "What if one day we...we might want to get married or something, and we can't because our subscribers don't know anything about us, and we can't just tell them then because it would be like, 'hey guys we lied about our friendship all along and now we're exchanging rings, bye'."

My heart stops dead in my chest. Married? Did Phil just mention marrying me? Holy mother of fucking sporks. My arms drop to my sides and my mouth literally falls open. Hell, I think my heart is going to burst inside my chest it's thrumming so hard.

I realise that I've been quiet for too long. Phil looks like he's going to cry. I grab his hand and squeeze reassuringly. "Are you serious?" I ask him. "About us getting married?"

I can tell that he is fucking nervous about he while idea of discussing this topic. I wish he could just relax and stop worrying about me bolting out the door at this current moment because yes, Phil, I would marry you in the blink of an eye because I love you to pieces. Okay? It's such a shame he can't hear my thoughts.

Phil swallows hard. "I mean, obviously not today or tomorrow, but definitely in a few years if...if you want me too."

I stare at him. His eyes are shining with fresh tears and it pains me to think that he was so nervous asking me about all of this and he was so scared to bring this up. Instead of answering him, I lean in again and kiss him softly, sliding my lips over his and kissing him gently and reassuringly.

"Of course I want you, dumbass," I say. Everything that happened in the past month fades away and all I can think about is Phil. Phil who just told me that he might want to marry me in the future. Holy shit. I smile wider than I ever have in my entire existence. "I want us."

"Then we should make a video," Phil says firmly. I raise my eyebrows.

"What? Now?" I ask, perplexed.

"We don't have to post it. Just...just have it made I guess. So we can have something to post in our defence if a shitstorm suddenly devours the Phandom."

I sigh and look at him once more.
"Fine. Let's make a video."