my happy little pill | phan

21: "Guys, Me And Phil Have A Confession To Make..."

Phil's POV

We decide to film the video in Dan's bedroom because we're already sitting on his floor and the camera is in Dan's hands. I realise that I'm shaking and shivering all over at the thought of actually coming out on camera. Dan sets up the camera and the lighting, and I fidget awkwardly on the edge of Dan's bed. I try to remind myself that I'm just talking in front of an electronic device, and my best-friend-slash-boyfriend Dan Howell, and this video doesn't have to be posted. I try to calm myself with my breathing.

"Are you ready?" Dan asks. I nod hesitantly. We have a small sheet of paper filled with scribbles of all the things we might want to say to our audience in case we have a mind-freeze and we forget what to say. Dan presses record and sits beside me.

"Hello, Internet!" Dan waves at the camera and smiles, and I smile and wave too. My heart is racing and my mind is screaming, but I feel myself start to calm a little. No one is ever going to see this video if we never post it, right?

"Hey, guys," I scrunch my face up at the camera. "So today, Dan and I have something really important to tell all of you. Well, we think that it's really important to mention anyway."

"So guys, me and Phil have a confession to make," Dan continues swiftly. He holds up the palm of his hands to the camera almost defensively. "Now, before you all point fingers and tell us that we're wrong for not saying this before, and for not being completely honest, please understand that we had our reasons for not mentioning this before."

Dan stops speaking and looks to me. I can nearly hear Heart Eyes Howell being whispered in my mind. I clear my throat. "Dan and I are in a relationship together. No, guys, this is not a prank. I know that we've trolled you before with a Valentine's Day Video that was actually genuine and was only meant to be seen by Dan in 2010, but was accidentally shared with the Internet, but please listen; all of your Phan theories are true. I know how bad this must sound and how angry all of you must be, and we don't blame you for being angry at all -"

"You guys have every right to be furious," Dan comments. "We have been selfish enough to keep this to ourselves and lie to everyone. This must make us appear to be homophobic assholes, but we're honestly not. We only wanted privacy. The general idea of having the entire world know about our relationship status so early in our relationship would have probably torn us apart. So it was important for us to keep it hushed."

In the corner of my eye I can see Dan looking at me. I turn my head and our lips collide for the camera to capture. The kiss is warm and quick and when I pull away, Dan grins at me. I smile shakily.

"Okay, so here is a brief history of us. Dan and I met online, as most of you know, after we found common interests such as Muse and other things, and we met in late '09 at my house where we filmed the infamous Phil Is Not On Fire that became a massive series. I, of course, made the Valentine's Day video in 2010 for Dan, and I sent it to him on YouTube. It was a private video and it was only supposed to be seen by him, but of course being my luck, YouTube glitched one day and it was unprivated on LessAmazingPhil. We would have been fine with coming out then and there but..." I struggle to find the right words suddenly, as Dan takes over.

"But some people pushed things way, way, way too fucking far. It hurt, you know? All of the hateful things that some people said to us really stung. I wanted to disappear and delete myself from the world, but then came the beautiful year of 2012," Dan swallows and I see him cast his eye to the floor. "I dropped out of university that year and so much shit was happening in my life. Me and Phil had a horrible argument," Dan glances at me and our eyes meet for a brief moment. He looks back to the ground. "It was the year that we broke up. And I'm so sorry for all of the snappy and harsh replies that I sent some people that asked me questions about Phan and stuff; my head really wasn't in the right position. Then about a year and a half later we started half-dating again -"

"Half-dating?" I laugh.

Dan laughs breathily. "Yeah. Just please," he begs the camera. "Please understand that we did this just so we could keep our lives private because we have literally nearly everything about us online...surely we should be allowed to keep one secret?"

It's my turn to talk again. "And we understand that we're going to lose a lot of you guys today because of all the lies we've told and all the times we've denied Phan. Please try to see it from our point of view. It's so hard to tell you this and make this video, but it needs to be said so that there will be no more lies between us."

Dan's suicide attempt flashes in my mind. I push the thought away. Some things should stay secret.

"Just know that we love and appreciate you all, and thank you for supporting us over the years," Dan says. "We hope that you'll be accepting and you'll welcome the truth in your hearts. And for the record," he adds. "When I said I wasn't gay, I didn't lie. I'm not gay. I'm bisexual."

"Same here," I chime in. "I love Dan with all my unicorn-coloured heart -"

"Unicorn-coloured?" Dan stops me. "What does that even mean?"

I giggle. "Rainbow coloured."

He pauses, trying to understand. Then he rolls his brown eyes. "Oh, I get it." He sighs. "See guys, this is what I have to put up with." Dan pauses and stares at me for a long moment. "But I love him anyway."

I kiss his cheek lightly. "Awh."

"I'm not going to ask you to click subscribe and to give a thumbs up on this video because that isn't really appropriate for a video like this. This video is a confessional video, not an entertainment one. I know that I'm going to lose a lot of you because of me and Phil's relationship and I'm so sorry. But to those that choose to stick around, thank you. You have no idea how grateful me and Phil are of your support."

Dan takes my hand and we hold up our joint hands for the camera to capture. We sit like this for a while until Dan finally stands up and stops the recording. He holds the camera in his arms like it's the most fragile thing ever.

"This camera needs to be put somewhere safe," he says. "I don't want this to be leaked online."

"At least we made the video," I shrug. "That's a start."

"Yeah," says Dan. "Now we just need to choose when to post it."