my happy little pill | phan

22: I Straighten My Hair Because I Can't Straighten My Sexuality

Dan's POV

Last month's confessional video keeps flashing behind my eyes when I close them, even though we filmed it over four weeks ago. And even though it's the middle of March and the world still feels like winter, I somehow feel like the video me and Phil made is more important than the fact that I tried to kill myself nearly two months ago. Holy fuck. Did we actually make a video confessing the thing we have tried so hard to keep under wraps? Have I gone crazy?

I think I must have lost my mind. And not just my mind, my whole fucking head from the shoulders up.

Tomorrow afternoon we have a meet up in Leeds scheduled and I can't say I'm not nervous. Of course I love meeting fans and viewers, but I always feel obliged to be extra kind and nice, and I always feel like I could say something out of proportion and offensive and I get scared about losing fans to the shit I say. Because most of the time, I don't have a clue what the hell I'm saying.

I decide to take a brisk shower (not a steamy one like Dil) and I find Phil sitting on the floor of the hallway. His dark hair is freshly dyed and his fringe hides his eyes. I lower myself to his level and kneel beside him.

"Are you okay?" I ask tentatively.

Phil jumps, startled to see me in such a close proximity so randomly. He closes his eyes and sighs. YouTube Phil would have laughed and shoved my shoulder after seeing me appear next to him, but the real Phil I know isn't that hyper and happy all of the time. Something is clearly wrong.

"Hey, you can tell me," I whisper and put my hand on his knee.

Phil sighs again. "I know," he says and he smiles gratefully. "I just...I just can't stop thinking about -"

Before he can finish the sentence, I butt in. "The confession video?"

He looks at me sadly. "Yes. And I know that we haven't posted and I shouldn't worry about it, but I am worrying about it, Dan. If we ever choose to post it, will people accept us?"

I hesitate. "Probably not." I can't lie to Phil; Phil is like my conscience. "But we have each other, yeah?"

"Yeah," Phil says absently. My hand slides off his knee and we sit on the floor together in dead silence for ten to fifteen minutes, just listening to the sound of the clock ticking in the kitchen and the buzz of traffic outside. And the occasional siren.

Phil giggles suddenly and I turn my head to look at him. "What?" I say.

"Oh, nothing," he has a small smile tugging at his pink lips. "I was just remembering things, that's all."

I wait. "Such as?"

"Us. Meeting for the first time. Your face searching through the hoards of people when you got off the train. Me, shoving through the crowd towards you even though you couldn't see me. I was taller than you back then, wasn't I? You looked so fragile and so lost, and I remember tapping you on the shoulder and seeing your face in real life for the first time."

I laugh, remembering too. "You scared the holy crap out of me," I poke his shoulder and he mock-rubs it. "It was so emotional. I actually cried so hard and you nearly freaking crushed me with that hug."

"You needed that hug."

"I needed that hug," I confirm. "I think every one that saw us meet for the first time probably stared at us like 'ew who are these vaguely emo boys doing crying and hugging each other ugh what is happening'," Phil giggles at me. "But yeah. It's still my favourite day to remember."

"And mine," Phil sighs. "I wish we could go back. Just go back to a world where we're not super famous and well-known and just be normal-ish people. It's not that I don't like being known and stuff, it's...I just feel pressured to do certain things. Like make that confessional video that I have mixed feeling about even though I think we should post it."

I stare at him with wide eyes. "Should we post it?"

"Not today," Phil shakes his head. "How about after the meet-up? I might be less nervous. Because seriously, we have to come out one day. It's inevitable. And as much as it scares the shit of out me, I know that we need to do it. It will only get harder with time and to be honest I just want it out there."

I grab his hand, because it feels necessary at this particular moment. "You know that by posting this video, we're going to destroy everyone. Nothing will be the same again. Like ever."

"We're liars," Phil tells me. "We're acting like we're relatable idiots and you know what? I think I'm ready to tell the Internet that I have a boyfriend and I don't care what they think. I know I should care, but I can't bring myself to care. I know that I'll probably lose a lot of subscribers but you know what? Screw them. If they can't accept me for who I really am then they aren't obliged to follow me."

I give him a mock-applause for his speech. "I'm fine with posting it tomorrow, if that's what you want."

Phil nods. "It's what I think we should do."

I push myself to my feet and tower over Phil as he sits in an uncomfortable-looking position. I offer him my hand to help him him and he takes it with a small smile and I yank him upwards. He catches me off-guard and reaches for my hair, messing it up and turning it into a bird's nest.

"Phil!" I smack his hand away. "Look at what you've done to my hair. Jeez. Hobbit hair overload."

"I like your hobbit hair."

"No, you don't."

"I like you the way you are," Phil takes a step closer to my body; he's so close to me that his breath stirs my hair. He's so close that I can smell his peppermint chewing gum and his John Frieda hairspray. He's so close that I don't have to lean in far to kiss him.

We're so close that I can feel our hearts beating against each other, and I lean in closer because I don't want this feeling to stop.

+++

When I'm in bed alone at night in our London apartment with the rain thrumming on the windows and the moon shining through the curtains, I like to just lie there beneath my grey bedcovers and think. Some nights there isn't that much to think about; maybe a new video idea, maybe something someone said to me that day, or maybe some song lyrics. It could literally be anything.

Tonight, my mind wants to remind me that the confessional video that I spent all evening editing will be posted tomorrow. I even tweeted online earlier with:

@danisnotonfire Dan Howell
me and phil are uploading a very important video to youtube tomorrow! stay tuned...

Some people joked about Phan and said that it could be us finally coming out. Some presumed that it was the Dil Howlter video we had promised them for this week. Shit. We still need to make that.

I roll over in the bed so that I'm lying on my back and staring at the black ceiling. It's too late to change my mind now, even though I think I'm having second thoughts on the entire thing. I'm fucking dreading it. The world is going to hate us, I can feel it. I know it.

Through the thin walls of me and Phil's bedrooms, I can't hear him moving so I guess he's asleep. Phil doesn't snore either, so it's hard to tell if he is asleep or if he's just being really quiet like I am now. It's just me alone in the dead of night. I actually love night time. It's the only time when I can be alone with my head and just forget about everything. The world can get a little overwhelming sometimes.

But tomorrow after the meet up in Leeds, me and Phil have to upload our confession video, which we have decided to name The Confession (so original, right?) and it's going straight up online the very minute we get back from the event. Honestly, the video will probably get flagged or something, and I'm definitely not prepared for the shitstorm tomorrow. But it has to be uploaded.

No excuses.