my happy little pill | phan

15: Let's Say Hello To Susan 7.0

Phil's POV

The ambulance arrives after the longest wait I've ever had to sit through. My cheeks sting from crying and my fingers are numb from being clenched so tightly.

What has happened?

It feels like everything is happening in slow motion and I don't know what to do. I don't know what to do. Oh, my God please just tell me that this is a horrible nightmare and I am going to wake up any minute in my warm, cosy bed with Dan asleep next to me. Please.

I squeeze my eyes shut. When I open them I am greeted with flashing blue and red ambulance lights and paramedics rushing around, carrying Dan on a stretcher. Two paramedics approach me with notepads and biros, and I look up at them from where I'm sitting on the bottom step of the stairs. My face is tear stained and blotchy.

"Sorry, sir, can I get your name please?" the young woman on the right asks patiently. She has dull blonde hair and a square face, and she is quite tall.

"Phil. Phil Lester," I answer as my voice breaks. "Dan Howell is my flatmate."

Dan Howell was my flatmate, my thoughts whisper, and I feel a stab in my chest. I try to push the thought away. He's not dead yet. The two women scribble down information on their notepads. "And can you tell us what happened to Dan?"

I swallow hard to stop another batch of tears forming. "I...I went to the supermarket to buy some ingredients for a cake, and I left the house at around 3pm. It took me a while to get back in the snow and when I did arrive home it was nearly 5pm." I gasp as the emotions hit me again. The sight of Dan's lifeless body lying limp on the floor.

This time, the paramedic on the left speaks. "Was Dan...depressed or did he have any mental issues?"

I clear my throat and stare at the ground. "He was depressed for a while, and I thought that he was getting better. I really did. He had stopped self-harming and –" I pause and stop myself from telling them too much. I don't want them to know that he's my boyfriend. I can't do that to Dan. It's our secret. The whole goddamn planet would go apeshit if I even hinted that we might be in a relationship or something. Instead, I lower my head and let tears drop down my cheeks and onto my lap.

The paramedic with the blonde hair smiles and nods. "It's alright, Phil. Take your time."

But that's just it; it's not alright. I'm not sure if things will ever be alright again. After a very stretched moment, the same paramedic speaks again.

"Do you know what drug your friend has taken, or its quantity?" she asks, her gaze too intense for me to make eye contact with her wide amber-brown eyes. I shake my head no. I don't know anything about this, and I tell her that I didn't know he even had a stash of pills hidden away from me.

The other paramedic finishes scribbling in her notepad and flashes a dim smile. She has a gap between her two front teeth, and plum coloured hair. "That'll do, Phil. Thank you for your time. I'm Adyta and that's Susan." Adyta points at the blonde paramedic - Susan - and brushes her hair from her eyes. "We'll be over there if you wish to speak with us or if you need anything."

I nod again. If I wasn't feeling so numb and faithless, I would have said something else to the paramedics like thank you or even ask a few questions about Dan but I can't make my tongue work. My mind seems to have shut off and everything is Dan. It's almost as if I'm under water and everything is happening in slow motion and everything is hazy. Nothing seems real.

I follow the other paramedics outside to board the ambulance and sit wordlessly next to Dan's sleeping body. I know that he isn't asleep and he is probably in a coma or something, but he looks so peaceful like if I press my lips to his temple he'll stir awake and giggle. If he wasn't wearing an oxygen mask he would probably look completely unusual. I am nearly tempted to kiss him but I don't because I can't do that. Whatever notoriety that I have prevents me from doing so.

I slide my hand into Dan's, close my eyes and focus on my breathing as I feel the ambulance begin to move and the sirens blare. I notice that Susan is sitting across from me and she is checking some monitor. I tell myself that every breath I take saves Dan's life. It's just a game, but it works well at distracting me.

+++

I have always hated hospitals. I hate the smell, the tiled floors, the echoing corridors and the look of sickness off of every patient. It's awful. It makes me think of death.

In my hands, my polystyrene cup of black coffee has long gone cold and my legs are aching from sitting down in this rigid blue chair in the corridor across from Dan's hospital room. Through a small slit in the door I can see two nurses, a male and a female, inside the room with Dan. What am I even doing out here? I should be with Dan at all times. What if he dies and I wasn't sitting my his side? I would never forgive myself. No, I need to be with him.

Before I can persuade myself that I should listen to what Susan the paramedic said and stay in the corridor, I cross the hall and push the thick door open with my shoulder. It swings shut gently behind me.

The male nurse looks up first. He looks like he's in his late thirties, with combed back dark brown hair and thick-rimmed glasses. He's tall, not quite as tall as me, but definitely near six feet in height. I notice a small tattoo of a bunch of words that I can't decipher hidden beneath his collar.

The other nurse is Susan who travelled with Dan and I in the ambulance. Her blonde hair is pulled back in a bun and she has reapplied some dark pink lipstick that has slightly stained her upper front teeth. She is busy scribbling down notes onto a clipboard. I mentally add her to the list of Susans that me and Dan have titled and I silently give her the title of Susan 7.

"Who are you?" the male nurse asks. I think his name is Tomás, but I can not really read his name tag from this distance. He has an Irish accent, like a Dublin accent.

I open my mouth to speak, but Susan cuts me off. "That's Phil Lester. He's Dan's flatmate."

Tomás nods over at Susan and sighs quietly. "Grand."

He fetches me a chair, similar to the uncomfortable blue chair I was sitting on in the hall except it's red, and I move it over next to Dan's bed so that I can get a better look at him.

Susan nods. "We'll give you guys a few minutes alone, okay?"

I force a thankful smile and they leave. When the door shuts, I turn and face Dan.

Monitors beep rhythmically and Dan's chest inflates and deflates with air that is being fed to him through a clear tube. He looks so peaceful, like he might be sleeping.

I run my fingers through his dark hair, twisting strands together and curling it around my fingers. I trace the curve of his brow, the gentle slope of his nose, his soft lips and his jawline with my finger, exploring the things that I don't notice while he is awake. Before I can make myself paranoid that I'm being watched, I lower my head and kiss his forehead as gently as I can. I find his hand beneath the blankets and grip it tightly. His hand is icy cold.

"Dan," I breathe and tears sting the back of my eyes. "What have you done?"