It felt like the world had collapsed in on me, as I leaned against the wall, taking deep breaths. But every time I thought I’d calmed down enough to go back to the boys, panic started to rise in my chest and I started to tremble all over again.
To be honest, I didn’t want to re-enter their hotel room, because if I did, well that meant admitting defeat. If I stayed out here in the hallway, desperately trying to come up with a way out, well then my situation didn’t suck as much. But there was no way out. I had no money; I could never ask my parents for it, either.
There was really only one alternative to going through with the article. And that was telling Louis the truth… the entire truth. Every detail about how I got here, why, and how I planned on breaking his heart and exposing his deepest secrets to the entire world.
And then I’d tell him for ten thousand dollars, I wouldn’t do it. Just enough to pay off my contract. I’d promise to leave him alone for the rest of his life, not breathe a word of this to anyone.
Then… well then I’d lose him. I’d lose him right now. As soon as I finished telling him, he’d hate me. He’d probably give me the money, but he’d hate me forever.
Ultimately, if I went through with it, he’d hate me too. Probably even worse, because I’d have established some sort of relationship with him for the article and he’d be reading about his break up in the tabloids. I was going to lose him either way. But if I told him right now… I’d spare him a lot of pain.
It would be the right thing to do. To march in there, tell him everything, and just get it over with.
I would lose everything, but I wouldn’t hurt Louis.
But I was a coward. The thought of actually saying all of this to him… while he watched in horror, and judged me for being such an awful human being… well that scared me. I didn’t want to see the look on his face as he realized all this. At least if I wrote the article, I’d never have to see him again. And I’d have fifty thousand dollars.
I’d have two more months with Louis.
If I were a good person, I’d tell him the truth. But if I were such a good person, I’d never have agreed to this in the first place.
So I took a deep breath, put a smile on my face, and turned the knob. The scene was exactly how I’d left it, five smiling boys joking and caring on happily. Harry was throwing candy at Louis, who kept lazily telling him to knock it off. Niall kept reaching over and taking the pieces that got caught into the wrinkles of Louis’ shirt and plopping them into his mouth. Liam was just rolling his eyes while Zayn couldn’t help but crack up laughing.
I felt a smile break away my frown for just a moment, feeling content as I watched them. I wished that I had really been here just to work on their film. I wished I didn’t have an agenda and I could truly enjoy my time with them, because honestly, they were truly amazing guys. Together they just complimented each other, in a way where when one was missing, it was like none of them were quite whole. They were a little family, and somehow, they had let me into it very quickly and easily.
Louis tilted his head to get out of the way of an incoming gummy bear and then caught me standing there. An instant smile broke out over his features, and he stopped moving. Harry took this as an opportunity, and fired another one straight at his forehead. Louis flipped him off, without ever breaking eye contact with me.
I tried my best to smile back, I really did. But instead a wave of panic washed over me and before I knew it, I burst into tears. Not just a few tears trickling down my cheeks either, huge sobs erupted from my chest and I began to shake all over again. It was the way he smiled happily at me, the way his eyes lit up looking at me. It was the way I knew he was falling for me… which should have been exactly what I wanted.
