"You don't know you're beautiful.."
"God damn, I really need to change that thing," I grumbled out loud about my ringtone. My words were muffled by the pillow my face was smushed into. I simply hugged it tighter, ignoring the sweet melodic voices that I used to listen to every night, and tried to go back to sleep.
But even after the sounds had drowned out I couldn't. I knew very well that unless I took some more Benadryl to knock me out, I was awake. It made sense, since it was two o'clock in the afternoon and I hadn't gotten out of my bed at all yesterday except to get snacks and void my bladder. There was only so much sleeping a person could do to avoid their life, and I had reached my quota.
But just because I was awake didn't mean I was going to return to reality. Reality sucked way too much lately. I was going to spend my day in bed (for the fourth in a row) watching romantic movies about couples who could actually make their shit work. Unlike myself and a certain someone I refused to think about.
Netflix was the only companion I needed from now on.
In the past five days I had only left the motel once, when I decided I could no longer stomach pizza or Chinese delivery. Other than that I had been cooped up since I returned from Elise's office that day. On my trip to the grocery store I had picked up enough chips and frozen meals to last for the foreseeable future. I was set.
"You don't know you're beautiful, if only you saw what I could see, you'd understand why I want you so desperately-"
This time when it played I inmediately reached across the bed to silence it, since I was up and could think coherently. I felt sick, my stomach tossing around the junk I called supper, as I rested against the headboard, willing myself to not cry. I couldn't keep away the memory of the day Louis got fed up with my default ringtone and changed it to their first hit. He had then proceeded to call me and sang the words to me, using my brush as a microphone. We were both drunk out of our minds so we didn't stop laughing for about five minutes until eventually it fizzled into just making out.
But I wasn't supposed to be thinking about him.
I changed it back to the default, with only slight hesitation. It was just a little sad to be ridding my life of all memories of him. It felt like ringtones and inside jokes were all I had left.
God when did I turn into some heartbroken thirteen year old?
I threw my legs out over the side of the bed, wincing from the cold floor board against my feet. My head buzzed with that funny feeling you get when you've slept too much, but I ignored the slight dizziness and headed to the bathroom.
When I caught sight of my reflection in the mirror I nearly screamed. I looked like a zombie, dark circles under my eyes and pale skin. My hair was tangled into a messy bun that was beginning to fall out and down my back. I decided I definitely needed a shower. Just because I wasn't going out into society didn't mean I couldn't smell nice for me.
It was refreshing. I even swapped out my oversized pyjamas for a pair of yoga pants. I didn't bother doing anything with my hair except braiding it down my back and had absolutely no interest in makeup. But at least I looked alive now.
Showering was pretty much the only productive thing I mustered up that day. I climbed back into bed and started with Nick and Nora's Inifinte Playlist, trying to ignore the fact that today was the day the article was set to be published.
Halfway through the movie I had to silence my phone. It was ringing off the hook, alternating between my mother and Alexis. I couldn't stand to face either of them - it was troubling to think that the whole world now knew what I had done. But it was even worse that the people in my life knew. Those were the ones whose judgement mattered, honestly.
