I had been putting it off for as long as I possibly could - since the day I had arrived at that old parking lot and took off on my crazy summer adventure. But I had little choice, now. Elise was hounding me for some kind of written evidence that I hadn't just been wasting her time and money with all of this. So that's why I sat in front of my laptop on our small bus, well into the middle of the night, sipping on Redbull and staring at a half filled word document.
The sentences hardly came with ease. They were choppy and didn't fit together. Half the times they'd have nothing to do with the one prior to it. This was unnatural for me - someone who had been through journalism school and always got by with exceptional talent when it came to the written word.
This was marginally different though. I was used to writing about news stories or comparing literal devices in essays. Even sometimes short stories that got me awarded in writing contests. But...this was taking all of my own pent up anger and regret and guilt and publishing it onto a stark white page that haunted me. This was like cutting Louis raw and letting his insides spill out for the entire world to see.
Somehow I managed though. Managed to get a coherent introduction and jot down guidelines for the coming paragraps. What I would talk about where. I briefly typed half sentences of moments privately shared with Louis over the summer. I didn't write anything about the way he made my pulse spike or my knees go weak or how his smile was the first thing I thought about in the morning. I left all of that out and tried to keep it strictly professional.
I didn't dare save the document to my computer. Louis sometimes borrowed it and that was way too big of a risk for me to take. I couldn't even imagine what hurt and betrayal would be masked in his eyes if he ever stumbled upon these words. I instead copy and pasted it into my email and sent it to Elise. Then I deleted the email from my outbox and cleared all history on the hard drive. I saved the progress to a glittery pink USB port I had picked up one day on a tampon run in Walmart. It sparkled and caught my eye and I had hoped something pretty would motivate me to get my butt started on this writing business.
It hadn't and I still felt zero motivation -except maybe to write an entire sonnet on the amazing curve of Louis' bum. But fortunately for myself and my sanity, I sucked royally at poetry.
I folded up the laptop. The room became quickly pitched black - the light from the laptop having been my only source. I didn't get up and head to my bunk though. My brain was too wired with a thousand buzzing thought. Or maybe it was the Redbull. All I knew was I missed Louis. I really really missed him.
On a whim I picked up my iPhone and composed a text to him, asking if he was awake and putting in extra smiley faces. Things were slightly awkward when we woke up from our nap. I had hoped the argument would drift away with our dreams and everything would be fine. But it wasn't - not entirely. Things at the show weren't much better. He gave me a kiss - half on my lips and half on my chin before muttering goodbye and taking too the stage.
I wanted to be able to fix everything. But I couldn't. Couldn't give him what he wanted - those three words back. If I did, it would only make everything worse for both of us in the end.
I guess somewhere I must have fallen asleep on the couch because next thing I knew Alexis was shaking me awake.
"Morning, sleepy head," she grinned as I sat up. She thrust alarge Starbucks cup into my hand and I shakily inhaled the scent of caffeine and dark roast mixed with cream and vanilla. Just the way I liked it.
"Thank you," I said through a yawn before pressing the rim to my lips and taking a small sip. The heat instantly warmed my mouth and I felt cozy. I looked at the clock - six thirty am. We had just arrived in LA.
