There is nothing more unnerving than having to stare at a blank computer screen. Especially when it has to be filled with words, immediately. I had been sitting in front of my laptop for nearly two hours; fingers hovered over the keyboard, ready for action. But even though my body was physically ready to write... my brain seemed to be broken because the words just wouldn't flow. It didn't help having that stupid little pink rhinestone USB stick laying right there on the edge of my desk. It taunted me with words I'd already written.
But those words described feelings and memories I wasn't ready to tap into yet. Emotions I needed to avoid at all costs for fear of hating myself a little more.
Though I really wasn't sure if it were possible to hate myself more than I already did. Some days I could push the anger I felt towards myself away, but most days it followed me everywhere. Hanging over my head like a grey cloud that only rained on me.
These feelings would be easier to avoid if he were easier to avoid. But no, everywhere I went I saw him. Well, not him, exactly. If I actually got to see him it'd be okay. At least then I could deliver the apology he deserved. But no, I was forced to see his smiling photo every time I opened my eyes. Like, just yesterday I had gone to Target to innocently buy a pack on tampons. Of course as soon as you walked in there was a huge display of book bags with his face plastered on them.
I missed his smile; it was one of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen. The photo on a scratchy fabric just doesn't do it justice. Trying to picture him smiling was hard, though. Every time I let myself think about him, I went back to that day six weeks ago. The last time I had actually seen him in person. I could only picture the look of pure betrayal and agony on his perfect features. It burned into my brain as well as the weak sound of him saying "how could anyone be so...evil?"
Yeah, those were the last words Louis Tomlinson had ever said to me.
And let me tell you, it wasn't an exaggeration at all.
What I did to Louis was so beyond evil that I didn't have a word to describe it. This wasn't some little "oh I kissed your best friend" story. This was a monumental betrayal that would never be forgiven.
I had broken his heart, exactly as I had set out to do.
Though, in the end, I never would have imagined I'd be breaking my own, too.
My eyes filled to the rim with tears and for the first time I didn't blink them away. I sat there and let them flow, allowing myself to cry over the boy I had loved and lost. Huge breaking sobs escaped from my lips as I trembled. Suddenly my fingers began dancing quickly across the keyboard, writing everything I had stopped myself from thinking and feeling. I couldn't even see what I was typing because my eyes were blurred from the tears. I just kept typing.
I had an article to write...
