I didn't end up going home. I wanted too and I had planned on it...but when it was my turn to purchase my ticket I just blurted out the words "one way to New York City, please" and then I ended up back here. It was kind of a stupid thing to do, I later realized, because my apartment had been leased and all my things were shipped back to my parents home.
So I had spent the past four weeks in a crappy motel with only the possessions I had brought onto tour with me. It was the cheapest place I could find to stay, and I was trying desperately not to spend all of the money I had saved up this summer. The room next to me was frequently used for prostitution, and I had even heard gunshots in the area once.
I knew the smart thing would have been going back to my parents weeks ago and not staying here, surrounded by violent criminals. But I just couldn't face them after what I had done. I couldn't bear to tell them why I'd gotten fired. My mother would go "oh, Stella!" with a look filled purely of disappointment that I had grown to know over the years. But this time it would be much worse. Not to mention the fact that Lily would hate me once she'd found out what I'd been doing to her favorite band.
I could have of course lied and said we just broke up. This I'd considered in great detail my second night in the motel, while listening to porn-esque moans coming from the next room. But it wouldn't have worked. Eventually I'd have to go back to Elise and everything would come out. Then they'd be mad at me for lying to them on top of everything else.
I never explained the blow up to Elise, either. I had pretended things were still going great when she called and was just gearing up to head back to New York. She had been excitedly counting down the days until I returned and we could finally go over everything in her office.
Which was of course tomorrow. Tomorrow I had to go into her office and explain how Liam had caught me out of pure carelessness on my part and that I'd been lying to her for an entire month. I had to tell her that despite the fact that I did not have ten thousand dollars I didn't have an article for her either.
Tomorrow could also very well be the day of my death. I was pretty sure she'd considered stabbing me over Splenda in the past, so knowing I'd screwed her over this bad... Who knew what kind of psychotic evil I was unleashing?
I laughed out loud at my own wit, but of course clever jokes about Elise weren't going to solve my problem.
My eyes slowly darted across the coffee table that I had my feet perched up on. At the end of it was the shiny pink USB. It had been sitting there in the exact spot since I'd stumbled into the room straight from the airport, fresh tears still drenching my cheeks.
Clever jokes wouldn't solve anything, but that USB could.
I had been sitting with my laptop perched on my lap for two hours. There is nothing more unnerving than a blank word document. Especially when it has to be filled with words, immediately. My fingers were hovered over the keyboard, ready for action. I was physically ready to write, but something was stopping me. I needed to have something for Elise when I walked into her office the next day. But I just couldn't write anything.
It didn't help having that stupid pink piece of junk taunting me with words I'd already written.
But those words described feelings and memories I wasn't ready to tap into yet. Emotions I needed to avoid at all cost for fear of hating myself more.
Though I wasn't really sure if it were possible to hate myself more than I did right now. Some days I was able to push the anger down and ignore it, but most days it followed me everywhere. It hung over my head like a grey cloud that only rained on me.
