the girl named winter

| 04 |

tw: rape




f o u r
d a y s
b e f o r e

"Merry Almost-Christmas."

Rey grins at me. He sits up. "Winter."

"Rey."

I smile at him as I slowly approach his hospital bed. I try  to pry my eyes away from the bones that stick out from his thin hospital gown.

"Baby."

I swallow and look at the bedside table.

I just have to look away.

I clear my throat before looking back at him. "How are you feeling?"

"So much better now that you're here," Rey sincerely says as he gazes at me with his obsidian black eyes.

I grimace but quickly place another smile.

This is harder than I thought.

To pretend that I'm still in love.

With someone who broke my heart.

"I'm gonna paint something for you," I announce, showing him the cans of paint in my bag and a small canvas that leans against the door.

"I want you to paint yourself," he blurts out.

I face my back to him and take the canvas with a heavy heart.

"Do you know I still have the self-portraits you painted?"

I wrinkle my nose. "You should throw those away."

"I could never throw you away again," Rey whispers with glistening eyes.

I take a shuddering breath.

He close his eyes, taking a huge breath.

When he opens them, my heart falls to the floor with a bang.

"I love you, Winter."

Fuck.

He smiles widely.

I need to smile.

His eyes shine so bright.

I need to say those three words back.

But I can't.

I don't want to.

So I stand up from my seat and lean over to kiss him.

Rey gently takes my neck and the small of my back as he pulls me towards him.

I close my eyes and feel my eyes sting with tears.

••••••••••••••••••••

"Aren't you supposed to be happy to be with Rey again?"

I raise an eyebrow at Veronica who Indian-sat in front of me on my bed. "You think I am?"

She places her mouth into a thin line. "This has something to do with Blue."

I shake my head.

"Tell me the truth."

I close my eyes.

"You're with Rey out of pity, aren't you?"

I sigh. "I just... I can't just let him die in sadness."

She groans.

I look up and stare at my best friend. "It's going to eat me up for the rest of my life," I reason out. I swallow audibly. "I just want to make him happy one last time."

"And what's your plan after he dies? You're going back to Blue?" She scoffs. "That's abominable."

I blink away the tears. "No more Blue."

"No more what?"

"I don't want to talk about it anymore. He doesn't trust me, and I shouldn't be trusted in the first place," I tell her, my voice cracking.

Her eyebrows meet. "Trust you about?"

"He's afraid I'll leave him." I sniff. "And I did." I chew on my bottom lip.  "He told me his past. I couldn't let mine go."

Veronica's face softens. "The thing about the rape incident is -"

"Blue used to be a rapist, Veronica," I blurt out.

She gasps.

I look at the wall as I shudder. "He used to rape girls and bet with their virginity with his friends."

"And you think he's going to do that to you?"

I close my eyes.

After a few moments, Veronica explodes. "If that was his true intention, then he could've banged you when you first met!"

I gaze at her.

She's a burning flame with a red mane.

I flinch.

"But he didn't, because people change."

"The girls he raped -"

"Are a part of his past. And Matthew is also part of your past."

Matthew.

"Do you honestly think Blue is like Matthew?"

They're all the same.

"Do you think Blue would seduce you and rape you?"

"I don't know." I wipe my eyes. "I don't even know if he really did care."

"Then why did he introduced you to his mother?"

I stop thinking.

"Why was he so opened about himself?"

He said it was all a gamble.

"Why are you breaking each other?"

Because this is the only way it should happen.

"You're afraid because he might end up like Matthew and he's afraid because you'll end up to be the girl who left him. Think about it."

And I did.

Before this night.

Before the other night.

I know what I want.

"I want to talk to him."

Veronica nods approvingly.

"But I can't let go of Rey." I sigh.

She opens her mouth to speak.

I cut her. "And I don't think Blue and I will have a second chance."

She stays silent.

I stay silent.

Because we both know no one could change that.