Life After Silas

Dream

                             I wish I could find a better place to hide, my car won't work Silas would notice it. I see him, as I peak up. My hands are shaking, I don't want him to see me, yet I do because I want him to know I caught him. I see him kiss her on the neck she is giggling like a little school girl.  He is treating her how he use to treat me. I remember laughing like that when we were first together. I start crying, because I wish for day he would act like that with me. Silas seen me we made eye contact he is walking over to my car opening the door..................

I jump up sweating and breathing heavily looking around, I realized it was all a dream. It has been months since Silas had passed away. I miss him so much, yet still hurt because that dream reminded me of his cheating. I don't know whether to be upset or sad. I wanted to call Cathy for some company, but it's 4:10am I know she isn't up. I try to lay back down, but I couldn't sleep I kept tossing and turning. I walk into the kids rooms and check on them before walking downstairs, I walk into the kitchen, but kept looking into Silas's office and made my way in there. There was still some of this things in there. I took some of his stuff out of our bedroom and put it in there. Looking around, trying to picture him sitting at the desk or on his phone and I felt a few tears roll down my face. Trying to shake it off, I then started having a flash back of everything that happen a month before he passed away. I remember him hitting me in here, pushing me down on the desk and forcing me to have sex. Then literally throwing me out and shutting the door. That was the things that happen in here when both of us was in here together. I can remember it like yesterday, the pain I felt and heartache it brought. I don't want to think about him at all. Neither good or bad, I just want to go back to sleep and wake up like nothing happen. Maybe that was my problem I was so good at sweeping everything under the rug acting as if nothing happen. Now it's all hitting me hard, maybe I should talk to some one about this. Then if I do they will just ask why I didn't call the police every time or go to the hospital or try to get help. I ask myself all this all the time, I don't need someone else bringing it up all the time either.  I walk back into the kitchen grab a diet coke and try to sneak a cigarette in before the kids get up.  I gave up on sleeping so I went into the dark living room and turned the TV on,  it was all them paid program ads. I finally found the QVC channel and started to fall asleep until I heard something beep a few times. At first I thought it was the battery in my smoke alarm, but I just changed them. I lay back down and heard it again, getting up and trying to figure out where it was coming from I heard it once more. It was in Silas's office. Not wanting to go in there, yet wanting to know what the sound was I did. Looking around I couldn't find it, just as I was about to give up I heard again. It was inside of a box that said Silas's Suits. I open the box looking through everything I couldn't find it then at the bottom there was a suit I picked up and the inside pocket there was a phone that was beeping because the battery was almost dead. Wondering how it stayed on this long in the first place. I pick it up and open it there were 84 missed calls and 91 text messages I have never seen this phone and as soon as I went to open the text the phone died. I ran up stairs with the phone looking for a charger we had about 10 of them for some reason in the top drawer trying to figure out which one plugged into it. I finally found one , but not sure if it was to this phone, but it fit. I plug it in and had to wait ten minutes for it to get some charge before I could turn it on. By this point, I am wide awake.