Unrequited ||Jaspar AU

24. My Runaway boy

Song~ All I want- Kodaline.
WARNING: Course language and self harm. Stay safe, kiddies! ❤️❤️ this is also going to be a lot shorter than usual and I'm suuuuper sorry for not updating for like 1 billion million years. Anyway, enjoy!  (VERY GRAPIC SELF HARM AND BLOOD!!)

9:52 am

23rd April
Caspar's p.o.v
"SCREW YOU, JOSH! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT?" I screamed, my lungs and throat hurting.

In fact my whole body was hurting. Especially my heart.

I need Joe. He has to be okay.

Josh groaned as he got up, a red mark in the shape of my hand sprawled across the right side of his face.

"Caspar. Babe, calm d-"

"NO! NO! DONT YOU EVER CALL ME THAT. DONT EVER, EVER NEVER!" I screamed louder, panting from the amount of physical and mental pain that surged through my body.

"Look, I only did it because I really like you Caspar. And I fucking hate Joe Sugg. I hate him more than anything. He took me away from you, he's such a fucking asshole for all I care he could go jump of a blood fucking bridge and die. I hate his ugly fag face!" Josh remarked, exaggerating every swear word.

He got right up in my face, trying to kiss me again. I was so angry I threw him to the floor opened the door and threw him out. Locking the door.

I sunk down the door, finally catching my breath as I hugged my knees to my chest. I began to cry. My eyes red and puffy, hair a mess, nose blocked.

Voices cooed words into my head as I grabbed the ends of my hair and screamed out.

"I HATE MYSELF! I HATE MYSELF!! I CANT KEEP LIVING, NOT TODAY, NOT TOMORROW!! WHATS WRONG WITH ME?!! What-what's wrong with me?"

Do it, Caspar. Do it. Get the knife. Cut yourself. Do it! Do it, you deserve it! WHIMP! LOSER! STUPID! FAILURE! Why would you ever think Joe loved you? Look at you! Your so fucking pathetic, we wish YOU were dead. Come on Caspar. Set yourself free. Joe won't miss you, he won't know before your already gone, already dead. No one will notice. No one will care.... No one does care. They never will. They won't have to if you let go now. You could put this all to an end.
All of it.

The voice gained control, they grew stronger and stronger they were barring through my ears. More violent tears streamed down my face. I the my legs about, hitting them hard on the wooden floor, I hit my head, then the floor and screamed out. Anyone would have thought I was being murdered. Truth is, I wish I was.

I jumped to my feet and stumbled toward the kitchen, my vision blurring for hot tears and limbs aching. I fumbled through the draws, before I finally found the largest knife that we had. Without thinking I looked at the knife seeing my appalling reflection in it tears brim in my eyes.

I'm not good enough. I'm not. I'm ugly and pathetic and fucking horrible and everyone hates me, everyone. I just want to die. Why did Joe have to save me from that car accident? Why didn't I die then?

I collapsed to the floor and instantly placed the sharp object to my wrist, sliding across my skin. It opened and thick blood oozed out. It felt good. It was painful at first, but then it felt good, I deserved the pain.

I cut again, this time deeper.

I cut again,
And again,
And again.

I was getting to the point of no return, if I cut only a few more times, it would be over.

I held the knife on my wrist, about to slit it again.

Cut! Cut! Cut! Cut! Come on! Do it!

I bit my tongue my mind forcing myself to cut again, my heart rebelling. I cried more, my head hurting. I took another look at the Crimson red blood dripping from my arm and all over the kitchen floor. I screwed my face up.

Suddenly my arm flinched at threw the knife across the room, hitting something and making a loud thud.

Everything fell silent. It creeped into the dark apartment, making me feel so lonely and scared.

I whimpered, looking at my bleeding arm, throbbing in pain, good pain, and more of my blood pooled on the floor around me and over my arm.

I looked to my right and saw a tea towel lying on the ground. I reached across and grabbed it, wrapping it around my bleeding arm.

Joe, please come home!?

If you truly loved me.... Why'd you leave me?

Why did you go?

I still love you and maybe you don't love me back anymore.

And that breaks me even more.