Unrequited ||Jaspar AU

14. Gay? Gay.

WARNING: self harm! Please stay safe! :) <3

1 April

6:45 pm

Joe's p.o.v
Caspar kept laughing at me as I did my victory dance for the second time this evening. God, I love his laugh, his smile, his face. I don't know how I lived with out him the past 5 years.

His eyes were on me, I had his attention.

But a part of me died when I remembered that I was gay, had a developing crush on Caspar, who isn't and won't be gay and will probably hate me forever once he finds out. It hurt to even see him because all I want to do is kiss him, I want him to be mine, but he can't be mine and probably never will be.

There's only one person in this world who knows I'm gay and she's dead; my mum. Not even Zoe knows yet and I don't plan on telling her any time soon.

A sudden comforting warmth wrapped around my body. I looked up.

Caspar.

Even him touching me made me want to cry.

I quickly wriggled out of his grip and came up with an excuse. You know the typical 'gotta use the bathroom' excuse.

He looked hurt and sad. I wanted to hug him, I wanted to kiss him and hold his hand. But I couldn't.

"Joe, are you o-" he begun, worry evident in his voice.

"I'm fine." I snapped and ran downstairs as fast as I could.

I slammed the door shut and flopped onto my bed and cried.

We only just became friends again in the past two weeks or so and already I like him?!

STUPID JOE! STUPID, STUPID, IDIOT!!

I wanted to scream but all I could do was cry.

"Stupid Joe... STUPID!" I mumbled to myself.

A sudden soft knock on my door made my heart skip and I instantly shut up. I didn't want him to hear me.

"Jojo, are you o-" his words were soft and comforting.

But I can't let my walls down.

"please go away." I spoke loud enough for him to hear me.

I crept up to the door and rested my head against it, it's almost like I could feel him doing the same on the other side of the door.

"Joe, I need to know-" He persisted.

Maybe he did care...?

"GO AWAY!" I yelled, feeling more tears drip down my face.

I dropped to the floor in front of the door and cried quietly enough to make out Caspar's words.

"I'm sorry." He whispered.

My heart sank.

I didn't mean to hurt him. I just can't be near him, not while I feel this way about him.