Alison
Have you ever been terrified of doing something that should be no big deal? Yea, that's how I felt walking into Noel Khan's party that night. I'd gone to plenty of them before my disappearance, and even after, I would go to other parties. But something about walking through the gates felt like being fourteen again, and, honestly, I hated my fourteen-year-old self and everything going on in my life at that point. Still, I powered through and pushed through the crowd. "Boo," screamed someone from behind me as they grabbed my shoulders. It was Noel.
"You really need to stop doing that," I said, laughing.
"What? Why? It's not my fault you're a little bit rusty," Noel said, wrapping his arm around me and pushing people out of the way as people complimented him on the party. He walked me over to the keg and poured us both drinks.
"Cheers," he said, holding his glass up in the air.
"Cheers," I said, laughing, tapping his glass with mine. We both took a big sip.
"How've your first few months been, after coming back," Noel asked. I knew he was talking about school and probably trying to make conversation, but I just wanted to talk to someone about everything for the first time.
"Honestly," I said, "everything is scary. It's unreal that I'm back, but it doesn't feel like home, like it used to. There's a lack of home, I guess. And everything's changed. I can't control anything."
"You shouldn't be afraid," he said, flashing me a smile, you're Ali D. The Ali D."
"I don't think Ali D exists anymore." We both fell silent.
"Have you been talking to Emily," he asked.
"Yea, I have been. She's the one of the only people around here who haven't changed completely."
"Hey," he said, playfully hitting my arm.
"I said one of the only people. Besides, you acted like a stranger for the first few months I was back."
He sighed, "I know. And I'm sorry about that Ali. It was just so much, you being back. Everyone convinced your friends and I we'd never see you again. It's scary and far too much to handle. Forgive me," he said laughing.
"Wow, of course!" We laughed and laughed, and, soon, I saw Emily from across the yard. "Hey, I'll be right back," I said, tapping him on the arm and walking away.
"Hey," I said to Emily.
"Oh, hey," Emily said, looking around rapidly.
"Looking for someone, love?"
"Um, I just thought that maybe Delaney would be here, but I guess she decided not to come."
"Oh, I forgot."
"Anyways, how have you been," she asked.
"Good, the party's a little bit boring. I guess it's just one of those things you just outgrow."
"I was never much of a party person, as you know."
I nodded. "Wanna find somewhere a bit more quiet, just to talk? We haven't done a whole lot of that."
"That sounds nice." Emily and I walked into Noel's house, and I found my way to the spare bedroom that was rather large, large enough to have its own lounging space. Even though I hadn't been in Noel's house for years, I still remembered the way around and where to go. I sat down on the couch in front of the tv and curled up with a throw blanket. It wasn't until then that I realized I had nothing to talk to Emily about.
"How's Delaney been," I asked.
"She's okay," she said, "are we not going to talk about the elephant in the room here?"
"And what would that be," I asked.
"Ali, I like you. I like like you. The problem is that I don't want to hurt Delaney. She wouldn't be able to handle it. And you deserve all of me. But she, she had me first. We've been planning everything together, and it's not fair that all of that is thrown away. But I can't deny it, the way I feel about you. Do you understand?"
"Em, I tried to act like I can live without you. Truth is, I can't. So I can't say no because I need you. But I've been a fallback girl, a side girl, before, and I don't deserve that. So will you promise me you will handle it? I can't hold on for so long."
"Ali, I promise I will figure everything out. Soon. Very soon." She leaned over and kissed me on the forehead, and then I held her for a while as we watched tv, looking out the window every once in a while to see the raging party going on below. I was almost asleep when something vibrated under the covers-- Emily's phone. "It's Delaney," she said. "She just got here. I guess I forgot parties don't end at 10 pm." She kissed me on the cheek and whispered, "it won't be like this forever," then walked out.
I slipped off into a deep rest until something woke me up-- Noel. He seemed extremely drunk and was holding me down on the couch as he started to remove my clothes. "Stop!" I screamed. I don't want to go into detail about the rest. I've tried to forget it as much as possible.
"You've always wanted this," he said, "who wouldn't want me?"
I've never cried as much as I did in that moment.
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