the love club

vii

Phil

He hit me three times.
His punches were unclean and sloppy, but they hurt.
I told myself not to hit him back, I pleaded myself to just lay there and take it, I couldn't hit him. I shoved him forcefully off of me and he sat in the grass, staring down at his fist that was split and bleeding.
I quickly rose to my feet, holding my nose to stop the bleeding. He hadn't fathomed what had happened, he just sat there in dismay, tears forming in his eyes.
He had never hit someone before, you could see it in his eyes. I couldn't say he didn't want to hurt me, of course he wanted to fucking hurt me. The moment he pushed me, I knew he was going to hit me. It wasn't his fault, I was an idiot.
I wanted to kiss him. But now the kiss was a distant regret that only created more of a burning rage that Dan felt towards me. I should have stayed in the car, listened to him and drove away. But I didn't.

"Why are you doing this to me?" He pleaded, getting up off the grass.
I reached out to touch his arm, but he flinched away.
"Fuck off, Phil. I don't want anything to do with you."
"Dan," I said quietly, watching as his tears slipped involuntarily down his red cheeks.
"I said fuck off!"

He stormed inside, his sobs distant behind his door. I stood in front of his house for a moment, feeling like an idiot. I didn't need to kiss him. He probably felt used, embarrassed. I just needed to stay away from him, for good.
I kind of hoped he hated me. Staying away from him would be easier knowing he didn't feel the same way I feel about him.

My house smelt like roast chicken. Barely looking up, my dad mumbled a mono-tone 'hello' as I made my way to the kitchen.
My mom screamed when she saw me, as expected. "Oh my god!" She exclaimed, ushering me to sit down. "What the hell happened to you?"
She fumbled around with the first aid kit, pulling out bandaids and antiseptic creams, forcing them into my arms.
"Mom," I said calmly, grabbing her hand. "I'm okay."
"Who did this to you?" She asked, almost crying.
"Who did what- oh jesus christ." My dad stated, walking into the room, his brows furrowed.
"Some guy from school. We had a disagreement." I lied, fiddling with my fingers.
"Did you hit him back?" Dad questioned. "I didn't raise a pussy."
"Yes dad. I hit him back."
He smiled proudly. "That's my boy."

At dinner, dad couldn't seem to drop any conversation about the fight. He kept asking where I hit him and if I used my knuckles. He wanted to know whether or not I knocked him out, made him bleed or cry. I told him what he wanted to hear until the subject changed.
"Can you believe they legalized gay marriage in all 50 states?" He stated rhetorically, his voice laced with disgust and sarcastic embarrassment.
I almost dropped my fork in excitement.
"Really?" I squeaked, my parents looking at me with question. "How terrible." I added quickly, looking down at my food.
"God Phil, I'm so glad you're not a homo." Dad muttered, stabbing some broccoli angrily.
"What's so bad about being homosexual?" I tried my hardest to keep my anger soft and hidden.
My dad stopped eating and looked up at me in disbelief. "They're disgusting. It's unnatural and sinful."

My mom came into my room after dinner whilst I was studying for an upcoming geology test. She took a seat on the end of my bed, sitting quietly for a moment.
"What's wrong, mom?" I asked, putting away my textbook and pen.
"Did you really hit that boy back?" She seemed upset. She was never one for violence.
I hesitated, my spit felt thick in my throat and I found it hard to swallow.
"Did dad send you to ask?"
She shook her head. "He won't even know about this conversation."
"No. I didn't hit him back. I couldn't."
She nodded.
"Why did he hit you? Was he bullying you?"
"No. He hit me because he deserved to."
"Why? What did you do?"
I kissed him, pushed him away and blamed it all on him even after I apologised for similar previous actions because I don't know how to deal with my own emotions.
"I can't tell you."
"You can tell me anything."
I'm gay.
"I know, Mom, and I love you. But because I love you so much, I just can't tell you because I can't lose you or dad. You're all I've got."
"Why would you lose us? Did you kill someone? Honey, are you on drugs? Did you owe him money?" She fired questions at me, and I shook my head vigorously.
"You wouldn't want me anymore if I told you. I don't want to be like cousin-" I quickly stopped myself in a panic, realizing that I had practically outed myself. 

She knew I was gay, I saw it in her eyes. But she said nothing. She had nothing to say. Expecting anger and screaming, I stayed quiet. She stared at me for a long time and we just sat in silence. I felt my world change. My heart was aching, aching at the thought of the disappointment on my fathers face when my mom told him that their son was the thing they despised the most. I feared facing them tomorrow, the way dad would look at me like I was an animal before announcing that I would need to pack my bags.
But mom stayed quiet.
"I love you."
She wrapped her arms around me tightly and I felt home. At first I assumed she was hugging me because she was going to tell dad, but then I realized it was because this would mean her losing me. There was no way dad would let me stay after he found out I was gay.
Maybe she was just as scared as losing me as I was losing her.
"I love you, too."

this made me cry 😂
when i 'came out' to my mom she was like "lol ok"
-holly