the love club

xxxii

Phil

When I wake up in Pj's bed, naked and covered in his smell, I break down. I don't care about how loud my sobs are until Pj wakes up too and I'm apologising frantically, begging him to forgive me.

Even though I don't really care for Pj's forgiveness.

I leave with no shoes on and drive straight to Dan. The world flashes by me in a blur of dull greys and blues, the white lines on the road distracting me in a daze as I follow the way they disappear next to me. I scratch angrily at my neck, praying the purple and blue reminders will bleed away if I scratch hard enough.

I let myself in.

Dan is asleep in our bed, his cheeks tear stained and hollow. He looks tired, exhausted, from my games.
From my bullshit.
From my stupidity.

I don't wake him because when I do that will be it and he'll be gone. I silently pack my things, every slither of hope that he might forgive me gone.

"Phil?" He calls out tiredly.
"Sorry." I whisper, tears flowing from my eyes. "I'm so sorry."
"We can work it out. It was just a kiss." He whimpers, but I can tell he doesn't see it that way.
I turn to face him, wiping my eyes and removing my attention from my things.
"Why are you crying?" He whispers, laughing sadly.
He slowly pulls back the comforter and gets out of the bed, walking over to me silently. I cup his cheek with my hand, savouring the warmth of his body and the feel of him.
His eyes trail down to my neck. He doesn't say anything at first, but his breathing quickens and his hands are shaking.
"Who?" He stutters out, removing my hand from his cheek.
"Pj." I admit.

He closes his eyes, tears streaming down his face.

"You slept with him?" He asks shakily but I just nod.
"I needed to get my anger out-"
"Your anger?" Dan screams. "What about my anger? What about my feelings?"
I stay silent.
"You were supposed to change!" He cries. "You told me you changed! Why did you lie to me?"
"Because I thought I could change, too."

"You could've made this right," he sobs, "we could have fixed this but you left and you fucked somebody else. You're supposed to love me, we're supposed to love each other and only each other. But no, you're just a whore. You were a man-whore in high school and you're still a man-whore now!"

His words burn in my chest, a terrible, heart-wrenching ache overcoming my body.

"Phil, I love you. But I put my trust in you and you threw it away. I've taken hits to the face for you. I've invested every second of my life, from the moment you recognized me as a person to now, to make sure you're happy. And yet, you just threw away all of my efforts."

"Dan," I whimper.

"Please get out of my fucking house."