Stutter | A Jaspar Fanfic

19. Not Friends

The familiar smell of hand sanitizer and strong antibiotics hit Joe hard when he walked into the hospital; shivering and forcing himself not to look at all of the sick patients in the waiting room. He just stuffed his hands in the pockets of his jacket and shivered, ignoring the gaze of other people as he walked up to the front desk.

He was skipping school today. After last night, all Joe wanted was an escape from reality. He couldn't quite grasp the reason why his parents were getting upset, and he certainly didn't get why they were making a big deal of Jackson when he isn't a problem anymore. The night before, Joe had to cry to get himself to fall asleep. He couldn't stop thinking of Jackson; couldn't stop thinking of Caspar. He couldn't stop crying over the fact Jackson had destroyed him, and couldn't stop himself from calling himself a word he would rather not repeat.

"Hello," he said to the man at the front desk, not even bothering to smile. He knew his hair was greasy from not being washed in a while, and he knew his eyes were rimmed red and had tiny purple circles from allergy and lack of sleep around them. "I'm here to see Caspar Lee?"

The man looked him over before grabbing a visitor sheet and sliding it over the table to Joe. "Sign it and then I need to take a photo of you to make a visitor tag."

I never saw my parents wearing tags, Joe thought, taking a pen and giving a small smile, filing the visiting sheet out quickly. That's odd.

After doing that, the man took a photo and a couple of minutes later Joe was walking to Caspar room, feeling uncomfortable with knowing his face was now plastered to his chest. It wasn't even that good of a photo, which sucked. Joe just shrugged it off as he approached Caspar's door, which was open. Joe took in a deep breath before knocking and entering.

He slid his sweater over his palms and chewed on his bottom lip nervously as he entered, seeing Caspar look over at him with a small smile. Joe smiled back.

"Oh, hey Joe."

Joe gave a wave and sat down on a seat next to Caspar's bed. "Hi, Caspar. How you feeling?"

"My leg still hurts like hell, but as long as I have painkillers in me, I'm good."

The shorter male nodded, giving a smile before taking in a nervous breath. "About your leg, um, I wanted to actually talk about what happened."

"What about it?" Caspar asked, laying his head so it would rest comfortably on the pillow. "I was in a fight and got shot. What more is there to it?"

Joe smiled softly, reaching up and pushing his hair out of his eyes since he didn't push it up today. "No, um, I wanted to ask exactly why you would fight Travis."

"Because he messed with you."

"Caspar, that's not a very good reason to start a fight."

"In my book it is."

Joe sighed and frowned, not knowing exactly what to say. Instead, he reached over and took Caspar's hand, eyes staying glued to it as he spoke. "We aren't friends, Caspar."

The South African responded to Joe's touch, lacing their fingers together. If this were any other day, Joe would be pulling back to scream at him. Now, all he could do was let it happen.

"Really? Not friends?"

"No, we aren't."

"What are we then?"

Joe looked up into Caspar's eyes, his own glazing over with tears. "I don't know. All I know is that friends shouldn't treat me the way that you do, friends shouldn't sleep in the same bed together. You aren't my friend, Caspar. You're something more because my feelings for you are intense and-"

He choked and placed a hand over his mouth, feeling a tear escape. Joe stayed like that for a moment before inhaling deeply and starting to speak again. "I love you. I know I said some stuff that day we went to the movies, but that's because of something else."

Caspar slid over slightly, still holding onto Joe's hand tightly. Joe instantly climbed into the hospital bed, laying his head onto the blond boys shoulder and sniffing deeply.

"They did a rape kit on me." Joe said, looking down at the floor. "They found tearing in my inner walls. It was from a boy I date two years ago named Jackson. I didn't-I didn't even know what he was doing t-to me. I thought fucking was love and blowjob were showing affection...I was only fifteen. It just-it just hurts so much. I didn't understand what he was doing, I just want to go back in time and stop it from happening. All I want is to be innocent again, to be pure."

There was a silence.

"I want to stop hurting inside." Joe broke down against Caspar's tears soaking into the taller male's shirt.

Caspar let go of Joe's hand and wrapped his arms around his waist, tugging him close to him. "If I ever do something you don't want me to do, if I ever touch you in a way you don't want me to, stop me. If I ever make you uncomfortable, tell me. If I ever even try to have sex and you don't want it, stop me."

Joe cried even harder and Caspar cradled the brit's jaw in his hands, making him look into his eyes.

"I would never do anything unless you want me to. All you have to do is simply smile at me and I'll feel loved, Joe. All I need is to see you happy, and I'm happy. Your looks would make the goddess of beauty angry, your smile could outshine any sun. You happy and smiling is the only thing that will make me happy."

Joe took in a deep breath, grabbing at Caspar's wrist. He wanted to express his feelings; tell him that his voice was sweeter than any sort of honey, tell him that his hands were more gentle with him than anybody he's ever touched. But he couldn't, he had no clue how to form words. All he could do was stutter. "I-I la-love you. I-I love you, Caspar."

Caspar brought a thumb down and brushed it over his lips, still looking into Joe's eyes. The brunette nodded slightly and Caspar wiped his eyes before leaning down and kissing him softly; enjoying the taste of salty tears and inhaling Joe's cologne. Joe kissed back and it felt more over whelming than anything he's ever done.

Caspar pulled back and Joe swallowed, feeling another tear fall from his eye. "I love you too, Joe."

Joe couldn't find a single strand of doubt in himself at those words.

$$$

A/N: this story is almost over :'(

Okay guys I started to cry writing this shit I'm so done ima go listen to sad Ed Sheeran music now

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