Chapter 25
Gardenia came over today, probably to say goodbye, I presume, but I ignored her. If she didn't want a goodbye, then I wouldn't give her one.
I was acting irrationally, but I was angry, and hurt, and I don't think I could handle saying goodbye to her and watching her drive away.
In a way, I now understood what Gardenia was feeling. She didn't want to say goodbye because she knew how much it hurt, so she just wanted to leave. I was feeling the same way right now. However, that didn't justify it. I can't help but think this would be different if I knew two weeks ago of her plans. I would have done everything different. I would have made these the best two weeks of our lives. I would have taken her out on dates, and did fun things with her rather than slave away on my computer, looking up scholarships for her. I would have convinced her we could make it work. I'd visit her, she'd visit me, we'd text, call, and Skype. If she got a phone, that is. I would be driving her to the airport, and hugging and kissing her goodbye, promising to see her later. But she didn't tell me about it, and I can't help but be bitter about that. She didn't give me an option in any of this. Did I want to continue? Did I want to say goodbye to her? She had no idea, because she didn't ask me. And that's why I'm angry.
It's okay to be selfish sometimes. It's alright that she wants to go to Florida and live there and pursue her dreams. But her actions following that were selfish. She didn't tell me. She didn't ask me what I thought about it. She didn't ask me if I wanted to continue the relationship. She decided for me, and pretended that everything was fine when it wasn't. That was selfish because she wasn't thinking of me. Not really. She could tell herself that she didn't want to tell me because she didn't want to hurt me, but really it was because she was scared. She didn't want to tell me because she didn't know how I'd react, and she didn't want me to hurt her. She only hurt me worse in the process, and that was selfish of her.
And so I was angry, and I didn't want to say goodbye to her. I watched her all morning, her and her mum loading up her shiny BMW with boxes. I almost offered to help, but I didn't want to. I didn't want to help her break my heart.
And then her mum got in the car, and my heart dropped, but then I saw Gardenia looking at my house. I was nervous, because I thought she had seen me, and then she started walking toward me and so I closed the curtain and walked away from it, hoping she didn't. She knocked on the door, and I was conflicted. Part of me wanted to answer, to tell her I'm sorry about my words from yesterday. To tell her that I didn't mean them, and that she didn't have 'thorns', and it was low of me to say that. I should have done that, but I didn't. Instead I ignored her.
And then I was glad I did, because she didn't try again. She simply knocked once, waited maybe 15 seconds, and then walked back across the street to her mum's car. She got in the car, and didn't look back again.
How could she give it up, just like that? Why didn't she knock again? I went to her 11 times in a span of 7 days because she wasn't answering me, and as soon as I do the same to her, she gives up after one attempt.
I quit watching her and went into my room, stopping in my tracks once I realized what was in here. The Friends boxset she had given me, that belonged to her brother. I couldn't keep this. I could go buy another one, and I wasn't going to keep something that meant so much to her.
So I grabbed it, ejecting the current disc that was in my laptop. I tapped my foot as I waited, willing it to hurry up. She was going to be gone by the time I get out of there, if this goes any slower.
It finally came out and I carefully put it into the case, running out and seeing that her mum's car was gone. I ran my hands through my hair, realizing that there was nothing I could do, now. She was gone, and my mum was at work with my car, and I wasn't exactly a fast runner. Even if I was, Gardenia's mum's car was nowhere in view and I don't think I could catch up to her.
