Falling Apart

Chapter 1

I'm not sure if there's a term for this kind of pain, and I'm not sure if there are other people in this world that feel this way about someone else, but when I lost myself I lost everything. My therapist constantly tells me that "sometimes you miss the memories, not the person", but I feel as if I want nothing of him, that because of him, nothing at all would be better than the memories he left me.

Losing myself in thought, I'm reminded by Ms. Clark that we have five minutes left. I knew the questions that were to come, for she asked the same ones in every session.

"How are you?"

"I don't know." I'd reply.

"Do you feel better than last week?"

"No."

"How are you really doing, Katherine?" she'd finally ask me.

"You want to know how I am really doing? Well, Ms. Clark, since you are the only person that has asked me that in months, I'd say that I'm not doing so well."

She purses her lips and tells me our time is up.

On the way home, the cool breeze gently nips at my sweater. I remember when I used to pray for weather like this; it was the best time of the year. A new school year would be around the corner, the leaves of trees would scatter every yard, and the weather would be confused if it were still summer or not. But most of all, everyone was always happy, or so it seemed. Maybe they would put on a fake smile, just as I would do, to please everyone around us.

It's amazing how much can change in a year. That's about the time when everything in my life began changing for the worse. I had always been the girl who had everything planned and knew what I wanted, but fuck, Ian destroyed me.

But before Ian obliterated my life, there was someone else. This someone else had made the past year bearable; he gave me hope and a reason to move forward. The day we met wasn't of romantic importance, but it was my first day of college. My aunt drove me to my new school, which was a couple states over, claiming that she'd feel safer if she knew I got there safe. To her, driving was the most dangerous thing to be doing these days, but I thought the same about college. Coming from Florida and going to South Carolina wasn't that bad apparently, but to me it was as far as the east is to the west.

I'd never spent any time outside of Jacksonville, not purposely, but because my parents had never really been around to take me on vacations like the normal kids would go on. My aunt had been raising me every since my dad left, and she could only afford to pay for the house, food, and my school. Sometimes I'd wonder if she ever thought about leaving me like my father had, or what she had to say about leaving her whole life to spend the rest of her youth watching me.

When we pulled up on campus, my heart beat faster as we became closer to the administrative office. After reviewing my classes and taking the key to my dorm, I began to feel like a woman who could finally take control of her life. Little did I know that very soon, my life would be falling apart.

My aunt who I referred to as Caroline, her first name, took me to my dorm room and helped me put away my things. I was impressed with my room, not only because it was one of the few rooms that didn't come with a roommate, but because of the size and comfortable feel for it. Although a little bland, I knew I could fix it up in time.

After putting my new textbooks onto my shelf, folding my clothes into the drawers, and arranging the bathroom to look identical to mine back home, Caroline finally agreed to leave. I knew I would miss her, but soon enough I'd be too busy with school to be thinking about home.

"Promise you'll call me tomorrow right after your first day of classes."

"Okay, okay. You don't need to start acting all motherly now." I joked.

She laughed and wrapped her arms around me, reminding me that she'll always be there for me. I'm glad I had her as a role model for all those years of my life; I couldn't imagine what I'd be like if I wasn't raised by her. After a final goodbye, she stepped out of the room and I watch her from my new window as she waves for a transportation bus. Only she would drive me here in my own car and not have a plan on how she's getting back home.

I remember lying down on the bed, thinking about how I want to start changing myself. Ever since my parents were gone, I've tried to fill the gap they left me by being the best. But I didn't want to be that girl. I was tired of being the perfect one, tired of being the honor roll student that everyone copies homework from. I was tired of being the girl at the top of the class, with AP and honors and AICE classes dangling beneath her belt that weigh her down, making every movement an arduous task. Tired of the haunting letter grades and the 4.0 GPA hanging over my head, a guillotine about to drop at any given moment.

I was tired of being the perfect kid, the one who's never known the taste of smoke and never felt the burning sensation of alcohol. Tired of being the girl that knows her four bedroom walls like the back of her hand, being too nervous to leave her room in fear of rejection. Perfection is a façade that everyone wants to hide behind, but it's a burden that no one can bear without. I wanted to be myself, the girl with her own decisions and mistakes to make, but no one seemed to know her yet. I would no longer be their puppet that they control. Everything was about to change, what I thought was for the better but it ended up being the worst decision of my life.