Falling Apart

Chapter 18

                 
Over a week has passed by since Ian ruined me, and somehow the days seemed longer. Perhaps it's from the lack of sleep I seem to be having, but I've learned a few things in this week of post-hell.

The first thing I learned is that no matter how fast I can run, I can't escape. I could be the fastest person alive but I wouldn't be able to escape myself. I can't jump out of my own skin no matter how bad I crave it. Turning on the lights won't help me hide from the monster that he implanted in me. It'll only reveal the damage that he's done to me.

I had to learn that I can't hide my fears. I could cover my arms, my legs, but I can't conceal the fear that has been imprinted into my eyes. I've noticed that a darker tint has invaded my irises, letting me know the fear has spread throughout all of me. I can't talk, I can't sleep, I've run out of tears and worst of all, my body shakes and flinches when a hand gets too close. This has scared David too.

Lastly I learned that I can't be fixed. This will always be with me and no matter how tight somebody holds me I'll still wake up from a nightmare I can no longer escape.

The first day after I was released from the hospital, I didn't say a word. Jenna occasionally stopped by my dorm to drop off food but I couldn't eat. David never left my side and was doing my work from classes that I missed. The second day I only spoke once, "No." I said when Jenna asked if I was okay. I rarely left my bed and sat in the darkness for hours until it was finally time for the night and I was left alone.

But when the night did come around and I was alone, I was reminded of that horrible night. I could still see Ian's face from the street light reflecting on him, making everything visible. The drugs danced in my veins, putting me under its spell and I couldn't do anything except watch. I felt as if it were a bad dream; that it would be over right before the worst would happen but it didn't and now all I'm left with are bruises and the memories.

On the third day, I watched the world move on from my window all day. People I would never know walked in certain groups, excluding themselves from others and went about their day as if the world wasn't condemned. They knew nothing of what happened to me, and they never would know.

On the fourth day, I showered for the first time since Ian took me. I showered for two hours until the freezing water numbed me as much as I was on the inside. All I could think about was the way I was the one that chose to go with Ian, how I went to a bar with him, how this was all my fault. David can blame himself as much as he desires but we both know this was my doing. I knew Ian wasn't worth my time but I sought out the good in him until it bit back at me.

The nightmares began on the fifth day. David had to start spending the night in my room to take care of my fits at two in the morning. I swore to him that I was okay but my screams said otherwise. In every dream I was reminded of how cruel the world is and how no one can save you but yourself.

A week went by before I began acting acceptable again. David still believed I wasn't normal but I had to prove to him and myself that I could be. If I couldn't now, I don't think I ever could be. The next week was spent catching up on school work and pretending that nothing happened. It's been a month since school started and my life is a living hell.

"Hey" David says as he walks through the door. "I brought snacks and some movies."

"Okay." I lift my head from under my blanket.

He bends over and pops in a DVD. "I just thought you'd be getting sick of watching Friends by now." he smiles and sits on the chair across from my small bed, where he slept for the few days he stayed here.