Dear Diary

Chapter 1

Dear Diary, 

Starting from about a week ago, I met my dream guy. He is tall, cute, weird, and fun to be around, loves the same music as me, watches anime and is the best guy I could ever find. I'll just name him, D. 

D is pretty much boyfriend material. We met at the least suspected place, a tennis training centre. Well, we weren’t really being trained, we hired the courts. At first, it was quite awkward, but then everyone started talking and we had lots of fun. For the sake of this story, the people that went were J, T, A, Ti and me, S. 

I only started playing tennis because of my first love; L. L was the king of kings at our school. Everyone followed what he did, he was worshipped. We were in the same class. One day, we had a math test. This is where everything goes downhill. One of the questions was really hard. I was an ace student so I got the answer. Then there was this wannabe cool kid named K. K did anything for attention. Getting in trouble, shouting out in classes etc. 

K gave L the answer to the question. He was just digging his own grave. L then gave it to the rest of the class and BAM. Everyone got the answer. L eventually got expelled and moved away. Literally everyone cried. All classes were silent. The usual loud, annoying grade 9 was gone. Everyone got closer after that. 

You see, there is this thing called 'Biffles.' 

Biffles was where a girl and boy shared a unique bond of friendship. They aren’t dating, but they seem like it. I guess you can call it, ‘Biffleship.’ (I got that off N-my best friend) Everyone knows you can’t control your emotions so I started to get jealous. You see, this will make me sound bitchy, but I always wanted to be queen bee. I was at the bottom of the social ladder back in middle school so I thought high school could change it. I wanted to have the ideal high school life but that could never happen.

I wrote a note that had all my feelings in it. All the jealousy, everything. I gave it to my best friends and to this day, I still get judged on that note. I wondered what would’ve happened if I never wrote that note. I wish I didn’t but I just hope that they would understand that I just wanted to feel loved. Anywhere. Even at home, I don’t feel whatever that is. ‘Being loved.’

This consumed our friendship. We had a group of 4. Consisting of A, M, N and myself, S.

Everything fell apart. An accidentally spreaded a rumour about me, M told everything to H, and N was just the innocent one. I left that group. I didn’t want to. I just didn’t want to cause any more troubles for them. To get away from that group was just as hard as saying goodbye to my grandfather, which died. These days, I get by, by faking a smile. Laughing with no emotion. I’m like a lifeless doll that is waiting for an owner. I haven’t felt alive in too long.

I still get picked on because of that rumour. I had a massive crush on H. well before H was L. I started realising L was a jackass so I wanted to move on but it was just rebounds.

‘Everyone had that one person you can’t move on from.’

That was this case. I don’t know what it is, but I guess I gave a part of my soul L, but L just crushed and kept it. Worst thing is that he doesn’t realise it.

Anyway, since I left that group, I just watch on the sidelines at how happy they are. I’m glad they are. I sometimes wish that I was at their level, so we can talk like normal again. Then, N typed in our group chat ‘If I met myself last year, I would’ve ditched myself.’ M later agreed. Then I thought to myself, what if I wasn’t the one that changed? What if their expectations just went up? I don’t even want to talk about that. The one thing that made me leave the group, was when H shouted,

 ‘SHES TOO SELF-CENTRED.’

I don’t think I could fight much more pain. So I left. I know it’s bad to run away from our problems, but I don’t think anything could get any worse. Everything actually got better. N, A and M are happy again. All that’s missing is that I lost my soul and my feelings.

Anyway, back to D. D and I am the best of friends right now. We literally talk for hours. I don’t even realise it. We talk until like 3 in the morning and once, he even ran to my house to make me stop crying. Since we have a big fence around our house, he couldn’t get in, so he stood out there, in the freezing wind, until I came down and gave him a massive hug, with the fence in between.

That night/morning was unforgettable. It was until yesterday. We both went to bed really early, at midnight. I didn’t want to sleep yet so I watched YouTube. Here’s my guilty pleasure, minecraft videos. I find them more interesting than makeup tutorials or anything like that. Nigahiga and RWY are in the mix as well but yea. After watching my fair share of videos, I turned off my laptop.

I just lay there, staring at the ceiling, and trying to get comfortable in my bed. In a period of a week, I got too comfortable with talking to D before I sleep. It just felt wrong, like he was missing. It was empty, so I sent one last snapchat and forced myself to go to sleep.

So now I’m here, typing all these emotions up. I guess this is kind of healthier than my previous methods of mentally bashing H up but oh well.

~1st July 2013~