A Reason to Stay

Chapter Nine

The day that she had visited Melissa and he had visited the Smith's was the most they had spoken in two months.She thought it was a good sign but it would be the most they spoke for two weeks. When she saw that things weren't going to change Payton made a decision. She sat down after breakfast one morning when the children were occupied and wrote a letter to her mother. It was even harder than the letter she wrote about Thomas' death or the one after that she had married Joshua.

Dear mother,

I'm afraid I have made a grave mistake in marring Mr. Owens. Joshua is a good man. He is good to me and the children. Clearly he cares for them very much. Tommy just adores him and Hannah thinks he hung the moon. I fear that he spoils them. Although he is a wonderful father figure to my two children I think I should leave this place. We do not love each other and it has almost been three months and I still do not know the man. We have barely spoken in the three months since we took our vows. I, mama, have become almost a mute! Isn't it unthinkable. You told me I would be the mouth of the south when Thomas and I left but I have lost my voice in the months since I married this man. I have lost myself, too. I am so lonely and sad. My only joy comes from the children and it seems to be far and between. I do not like the woman I am becoming. All this solitude is not good for me. I hate to ask this of you and Pa but could you send the money for me and the children to come back home. I'll have to wait until this new baby is born but I can not live the rest of my life here so alone. I love you and miss you. I need to be around people who love me, too.

Love your daughter,

Payton Dawn

Payton stowed the letter away in her trunk until she would be able to get to town to send it off. Joshua came in at noon and told her he was going to harvest the crop. “It might take me the better part of two weeks but I'll be glad when it's through. I won't be coming in for noon meal. I'd appreciate it if you could pack me a lunch for the fields.” Payton grunted, “The field isn't so far away surly you can come in for a good meal. You'll need to keep your strength.”

Joshua never came home for lunch until he and Payton had married other than during the time he was married to Eliza. During his marriage to Eliza he had never taken his meal in the fields and he was always ready to come home in the afternoons. He knew it wasn't fair to keep comparing Payton to Eliza. He needed to realize that Eliza was gone and she had been for nine almost ten years now. “I'll come home.” Payton nodded with a smirk as if she had won. He wished he could tell her that it wasn't a battle. It wasn't as though they fought, they still didn't talk enough for that. It was simply that, She loved Thomas still and he Eliza. They should have never married if she thought he was going to replace her dead husband and she his sweet and dear Eliza.

Joshua sat down at the table the children both climbing into his lap. He spoke softly to them and watched Payton set the table. He said the prayer as usual and then they ate. Suddenly Joshua said, “Next week will be tens years since Eliza died.” Payton, who was taking a bite, stopped and stared at him. Her hand still in mid-air. She sat her fork on the side of her plate. “I didn't know. I'm sorry.” Joshua shrugged his shoulders. “I usually put fresh flowers on her grave. Do you mind?” He wasn't sure why he asked, he would do it regardless. Eliza was his life, his love and he would never let another woman take her place. He would never forsake her. “Why should I mind, she was your wife and you loved her very much.” Payton said, bringing guilt and shame to him.

He was surprised by her answer. He wasn't sure what he was expecting. “You know Payton, if you ever want to go and visit Thomas' grave I'll take you.” Payton pushed her food around on her plate. Finally she answered, “Thank you but no thank you.” Joshua would have liked to question her but he didn't feel he had the liberty. Instead he only said, “If you change your mind, I don't mind.” Payton stood and cleaned her plate from the table. Joshua understood that something he said had defiantly upset her.