A Reason to Stay

Chapter twelve

Joshua still left that night to tend chores giving her time to herself to ready for bed. She was glad, not sure she was really ready for that part of being married. She wasn't sure that she could give herself over completely to him yet. Suddenly she felt very ashamed. She expected him to do just that and here she was not willing to do the same.

“Oh, Lord, help me.” She prayed, “I'm so afraid. I don't know what to do. I want this to work, I don't want to leave. I care for him so much, I'm afraid I might be falling in love with him.” She knew that to be honest with God and herself she had to admit the truth, “I know I love him God but I still love Thomas.” Tears sprang to her eyes and guilt flooded her heart. “I know it shouldn't be so hard. I did promise to do those things. I promised him and you... and myself.” Terror gripped her, “I'm so frightened, Lord. I want to be willing...”

She finished her prayer and climbed into bed. She heard the door open and moonlight flooded in almost as soon as she had the covers pulled up. The door closed and the room returned to the dark state it was before. She could hear him moving around the room as he undressed for bed himself. She felt the covers lift and his weight as he lay down. She held her breath not sure what to expect. He seemed to hesitate a moment and then put his back to her. She let out a low sigh of relief. She hoped Joshua didn't hear her but she thought he too wasn't quite ready for all of this.

The next morning he rose early just as always and she assumed that things would not change. She would send the letter after all. That would be that. He had made such an effort the day before but today that seemed to have been forgotten.

At breakfast Joshua opened up the conversation. “I'll have to stay in the fields through lunch to catch-up what I didn't get done yesterday. Running off and all as I did. 'Course it seem to be for best that I ranned off and wasted the afternoon visiting.”

Payton nodded, she really wasn't sure how to reply so instead she asked meekly,  “Would you like me to pack you a lunch or would you like me and the children to just bring you a lunch to the fields?”

Joshua hoped his answer wouldn't offend her, “I hope you don't take this the wrong way, Payton, but if you and the children bring me lunch I don't think I'll get anything more accomplished than if I were to come back to the house. What I mean to say is... I'll spend more time with you and them than I should and less on the fields.”

Payton understood and she had plenty to keep her busy during the day. “I'll just pack you some biscuits and bacon and jug of water.”

Joshua nodded and then gave her a smile, “That would be just fine but I'll be eager to get home tonight. I know you'll have something tasty fixed up.”

Payton tried to reassure herself that maybe it was more than her cooking that he would be hurrying home to but it was hard to do, considering what the past two months had been like. “I'll try.” she said, “I have plenty to keep me occupied today. The children and I are going to go out to pick some berries. It's close to time for them to be coming off. I always put them up.”

Joshua nodded, “Good, I hope you enjoy yourselves. Be careful.” He stood up and leaned over as if he were going to kiss her on the head then stopped himself. He rocked back on his heels and stared down at her. “I'm sorry Payton, you'll have to forgive me. I'm not sure what is expected of me or what is allowed. Before with...well, most men kiss their wives good-bye but as you're well aware of, we are not like most husbands and wives.”

Payton shrugged, “I know.” was all she could manage and panic threaten to over take her. Things had been off to a good start and now she was worried that this would little obsticale would hender the progress they had just made. She folded her apron in her lap and kept her eyes there. She couldn't give him an answer because she wasn't sure what was okay either. She didn't know what she wanted.