A Reason to Stay

Chapter eleven

Payton tried to keep from glancing into the field but she couldn't help herself. She only wanted... Oh, she didn't know what she wanted. She almost wished he would just show up in the door way and apologize to her but for what? For loving his first wife so much that he couldn't let her go? Payton wondered if she were just being petty. It shouldn't matter that he was still married to Eliza in his heart. Hadn't they both decided that it might take years for them to care for each other? The problem was that somehow, during the times she watched him at night with the children, her children, whom he seemed to love very much. And during their meals and just time spent in each others company. Even when they said nothing but sat in silence she had already grown to care for him very much.

She liked watching him read his bible and the way the lamp light cast shadows on his beard. She liked the way he smiled at the silly stuff she did when he thought she wasn't looking. She liked the way his voice sounded and the gentle laughter that escaped his throat when he was playing with the children. She even liked the way he was so caring with that stupid dog! She realized she liked him, a lot. And not just as friend she wanted more than friendship. She wanted companionship...

Suddenly she felt very ashamed of herself for not being true to Thomas. Should she still be pining after her dead husband ten years from now? Had she not loved Thomas the way she should. She still loved Thomas very much but it was different now. She understood that no matter how much she loved and missed him, he was gone. He wouldn't be coming back. She had to move on. It wouldn't be fair for the kids if she grieved for that long. It wouldn't be right to subject them to that kind of a life. It wouldn't be fair to her either. Had it been her who had left... no died, she would have wanted Thomas to find happiness. She would have wanted him to be happy for the kids. To find someone to love them and help him raise them...

Then she decided she had waited on Joshua long enough she made a decision. She would go. She would leave him free to grieve for the rest of his life if he chose to but she and the children would move forward. Even if it was without him. She had no way of leaving and no where to go. She would send the letter off to her family the next time she was able to make it to town. It would be best to go before the children got any more attached to Joshua. Or before he became any more attached to them. She sighed and sat down at the table with a loud thump. The kids looked up at their mother, wondering what was going on. She felt sad that their lives had been so interrupted the last few months and now she was going to uproot them again. It would be for the best. The way she and Joshua were living was not a way to live. She only hoped her family would be able to send for her.

She was trying to figure out some way to be able to pay her own fair when Jed started barking and ran out the door. She was intrigued and went out to the porch. Surprised to see it was Joshua riding up on a horse. She hadn't even known he had left. She just assumed he was still in the barn. Yet another sign that they were not a real married couple. Thomas would have made sure she knew he was leaving and she was positive that had she been Eliza, Joshua would have informed her of his leaving. No, had she been Eliza he would have taken her with him.

She went out to the porch and watched him coming up. She would tell him now that she would be leaving. She needed to do it soon before it got any closer to her due date. She didn't want to have to wait for the baby to come before she left.She took deep breaths gathering her courage to tell him just that.

Joshua saw her standing on the porch her arms crossed over her chest. Her swollen belly rounding out below them. When he left her hair was braided. Now, though, it had either pulled loose or she had loosened it herself. Either way, it was down flowing free. She didn't wear it like this except at night. Of course it was dark so he never really got to see it like now. She was beautiful and he had been so stupid to not see it before. Well, he had seen her but not appreciated her beauty.