Winter break /c.h\

Chapter 21

I started going to school again, started going to band practice with Calum again. As the days went on, I started to forget Sam, what she was like. What she did. I couldn't help it. I had to no hard copy of her, I just had to start forgetting, I had to live life.
"What are you thinking about?" Calum asked, as I sat at the studio, staring into space.
"Nothing. I'm just staring" I explained, looking at him.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah. I'm fine"
"Just staring"
"I'm starting to forget her Calum, I don't like that. We used to sit here.." I set my hands on the rough, wooden table. "we used to talk and laugh. And now I'm here, alone"
"I'm sorry. I'm here"
"I know. And I appreciate you for that. I love that you're trying to help me. I love you so much for that...." I leaned in against him, pressing my lips against his, in between my words "I love you so, so, so much for that. And I don't know how to thank you for that"
"I think.. I erm, know a way" I pulled my fave away from him, his face was twisted into a cocky smirk and his one eyebrow was raised. "We could.. yano, tonight. If you're up for that"
"I think I could manage that" I laughed
"Good.." He kissed me, a little rougher this tine. "I'm gonna get back to practice, okay?"
"Yeah. Go, I'll have you tonight"
"Hell yeah you will" he shot me a final wink and went back to the band.
Michael had gone back to doing his normal things, relatively soon after Sam was gone. He was good at distracting himself. The band kept him busy. He was good at hiding feelings too, but I knew Mikey, he was starting to forget Sam too.
Danny, however, wasn't so privileged. He was sleepless. His eyes had sunken into his face. His hair, constantly a mess, disheveled, and sometimes dirty. His fingernails were dirty. His clothes were always a mess. But he kept going, he kept trying to be normal. He was trying to move on, but it wasn't going to be that easy. He wasn't ever going to be able to forget her. He loved her. Not that Mikey and I didn't, but his was a different type of love. It was unconditional, undying. It was.. what I have with Calum. And just like that, he lost it. Without explanation, it was gone. He was hurting, but he wasn't letting anyone help. He didn't want the help. It was like he wanted to suffer, alone. He wanted to be independent, and we had to respect that.
I watched Calum, watched his muscles tense as he strummed the bass. It hung low on his body and his arm had to stretch to reach it. He was so into this. The band, the bass, the music. They all were and I could only hope that they made it, they deserved something good, out of this hard work.
I watched for a while, then my phone rang, it was Kai.
"Hey lemme go outside real quick.." I answered "it's loud in here" I explained over the music
"Okay" I gestured toward my phone, when Calum shot me a confused look, and continued walking toward the door.
"Okay I out" I said, setting against the studio walls outside, on the gravel.
"Cool. So you're at band practice with Cal?"
"Yeah"
"Good. Have you been getting out more, since our adventure downtown?" 
"Yeah I have, thank you for that" She had been away for about a week now. Her family had taken her and Liam on vacation, sort of as a last family trip. They wanted to cherish the memories that they couldn't get back. They used to go every summer, to Mexico, so that's what they did this year too. "Why haven't you called me? Or texted me? Or sent me pictures?"
"Because. Where we are is the middle of bum fuck nowhere. This town doesn't have good cell service. We finally went on a hike, and I got high enough to get cell service today."
"Well...I've missed you. You have to stay up on the high part. You're not allowed to disappear on me again. It's not happening"
"I can't Grace. I gotta go soon. But I'll be back home in two days. And hopefully the plane has wifi. So I'll send you snapchats then"
"Fine. That works."
"Okay. Tell Luke I said hey and that I miss him. I gotta go"
"Okay will do. Bye. Have fun. Love you"
"I will. Bye. I love you too"
I hung up and sat there for a bit, breathing in the summer air. It had been a fairly mild summer. The temperatures had been in the mid-80's, so it wasn't too bad. The gravel had started to hurt my butt, so I got up. I went to the car and grabbed one of Calum's cigarettes. It was a horrible habit, but I figured it could take the edge off of everything. I lit it and took a long drag, then started walking back towards the door, cringing at the crunch of gravel under my Vans.
"Hey. Can I have one?" Mikey asked, jokingly. He only smoked to get high, not to die.
"They're Calum's" I shrugged, pulling the cancer stick from my lips and spitting out white smoke.
"I know. I was kidding"
"I know"
"Why're you smoking? Well, why are you smoking that shit?"
"I don't know" I shrugged again
"Yeah you do, but I won't force it out of you" he took the cigarette out from between my fingers and threw it on the ground, stomping it out, as if he were trying to murder it. "Filthy habit" he laughed, looking back up at me.
"Mikey, you know I'm crazy, why're you friends with me?"
"In what ways are you crazy, Grace? You haven't murdered anyone. You haven't done anything wrong, in life"
"Because Michael. I'm here, trying to smoke away my problems. Trying to forget Sam, instead of dealing with the fact that she's gone. I'm not even trying to keep her in my memory. I'm just trying to FORGET her. Like she never mattered. Why have you stayed my friend for so long? Why have any of you stayed my friend for so long? I'm a horrible person."
"You're not a horrible person. And leaving you, alone, friendless, that would hurt you. And you don't hurt the people you love, Grace. You just don't do that."
"Thank you Michael" my head sank, my eyes fixated on my dirty shoes.
"Grace. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with you. You're just upset." He said, placing a hand on my shoulder, pulling me against his body "I'm upset. Danny's upset. We're all upset. Some of us, just handle it differently."
"I know" I nodded, the movement of my head, limited by his hug. "I'm sorry."
"No need to be sorry..." he pulled out of the hug and jogged to my car. He came back with a cigarette and Cal's lighter "here, be strong. Handle it" I lit the cigarette and placing it between my smiling lips, nodding ever so slightly.
"Thanks Mikey"
"Handle it"
I stood outside, after he went back into the studio, sucking on the killer stick.
I finally sucked the life out of the cig and threw it on the ground, letting it burn totally out as I went inside.
Quickly, my ears were filled with their music. Their guitar filled music. Michael and Calum's voices echoed over the instruments, mixing perfectly. Danny, he played, but it didn't seem like he was playing like he used to. He didn't have as much passion. And Alex, well he was probably high.
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After lunch, we met Luke, Ashton, and Elly for lunch, bringing Michael along in my car. It was a quick lunch, but Elly cautiously danced around the subject of Sam the whole time. She hated seeing people upset. She hated not being able to make people happy in their worse times, so she ignored the problems. She smiled, distracted me, did everything she could to keep me happy. And it worked, but didn't keep me from smoking afterwards. I wasn't going to turn into a chronic smoker, I refused to, but they were taking the edge off of the pain. Maybe I would use pot. It seemed to make Mikey dazed, it made Calum loopy, but nonetheless, they were happy afterwards.
"Michael" I sat from the drivers seat. He had drawn the shirt stick and ended up in the backseat again "can I have some pot?"
"Why?" His tone was surprised, but not condescending.
"Because I'd like to stop killing myself with these bitches" I laughed awkwardly, holding up the carton that was in the cup holder, in the middle of me and Calum.
"Yeah, I can get you some" he said, rather proudly
"Thanks"
"Yup"
We dropped him off at home and then headed home ourselves. It wasn't late, but I was exhausted. I grabbed a Monster from the fridge, not wanting to fall asleep, knowing is stay asleep. Calum deserved to have fun. He hadn't gotten much action, and I felt bad.
"CAL" I yelled, not wanting to get up
"WHAT?"
"C'MERE"
"COMING" I heard him snicker at his own words. "What's up?"
"I was too lazy to come get you" he appeared on frogmen of me, shirtless, and I absentmindedly licked my lips.
"Of course you were. You're such a bum" he joked
"I know. I know. Come here" I reached out my hands and pulled him onto the couch next to me.
"When did you get so strong?" He laughed
" I don't really know"
"I'm kidding. I just didn't put up any fight. You're still week" he giggled, playfully insulting me
"Yeah, yeah" I ran my hand down his arm, slowly. Making my way to hand and and tracing my fingers over his calloused ones. "Your fingers are so rough" I said, looking up at him.
"Yeah, they are" he nodded, running his tongue over his dry lips. "From the bass"
"Yeah. They don't feel bad though..." I smiled "they almost feel good"
"I can make them feel even better" his voice had gotten deeper
"How?" I asked, trying not to sound awkward, and climbing on top of him.
"God.." He didn't finish, he just smashed his lips into mine, roughly grabbing handfuls of hair.
This quickly got more heated and we moved to the bedroom. Afterward, we were both so tired, so we just took naps. Or at least he did. He pulled my against him and snuggled his face into the crook of my neck. Honestly, it was the happiest I had been in about a week.
"I love you" I whispered, feeling like he was still asleep.
"I love you too"