Through The Dark

Bound Leather Journal

     "Are you guys done?" Sam says from the kitchen. Harry, Liam, and I have been moving my bedroom up to the top floor. Sam and I decided that we are taking Zayn's kids, who are arriving this weekend. We're keeping the kids on the second floor. Even if we do have more kids, there will still be a few more bedrooms left. Sam and I just wanted a place that was just a bit for private. Sam is able to be more than ten feet away from Olive, after all these months.

     "Yeah, just about." I answer, and come up behind her. "We just have to move the bed."

     "You can do that when we leave!" Harry yells from the other side of the room. I roll my eyes and wrap my arms around Sam. "We're not gone yet! Stop!" I pull Sam closer and she smirks. I press my lips against hers and Harry groans. I tug on her lower lip and she giggles.

       "Alright, I have got to get back to work." I kiss her one last time and pull away. I walk back to the guys and we head up the stairs. "How are we going to do this?" I ask as we enter the near empty room, with the bed sitting in the middle.

         "I'll top, you bottom, and Harry watches." Liam says with a bit grin.  I shake my head pick up one end of the mattress. "You're no fun, being all old and married." I gesture towards the end of the mattress and Liam takes hold. Harry just stands back and watches as the two of us struggle to get it up the stairs.

      "Turn to the right a bit more." Harry leans against the wall.

       "How about you help us, you idiot." Liam says, struggling to turn the sharp corner.

      "Just lift it over the damn banister." Harry replies, with a bit of acid in his voice. I push up the mattress and flip it over the rail.

      "That wasn't so hard, was it." I say and follow Liam up the stairs. "Harry, can you bring up the bed frame. If you lift off the headboard and footboard, it all comes apart." He nods and I lean against the door frame of my new room. I start putting away all of Sam's clothes in the walk in closet, then mine. Liam and Harry come back up. Harry lays the frame down, then goes to retrieve the footboard. Once the bed is all together, I lay on the bare mattress. We finally have all of our things up in our new room.

       "Do you know what Louis's been up to?"  Liam asks once he walks back in the room. He throws himself down bed and looks up at the ceiling. I don't know if I should answer this in front of Harry. He's gotten better. A lot better. I just don't think telling them where Louis' been would help the situation. "Paps seemed confused about where he's been these last view weeks. Didn't he come home from Seattle with us?"

       "Uh, yeah." I mutter and pull my phone out of my pocket, trying to avoid his answer.

      "Where did he go?" Harry asks and sits in the arm chair with his feet up. "He went back to Seattle, didn't he?" I'm silent. "Did he or did he not?" He responds to my silence.

      "He went back to Seattle to get the kids. He's bringing them here with Katie." I answer and he groans at the sound of her name. "They get here tomorrow morning."

      "Do you need anything?" He says, surprisingly calm. I shake my head. I'm shocked that he's not fuming and calling up Louis. "I'm going to check and see if we left anything downstairs." He gets up quietly and leaves.

      "He's not mad at all..." Liam says and we both stand up. I push all the furniture where it needs to go and lean all the picture frames against the wall. Sam can put them where she wants. "I have to get going. Danielle is bringing Taylor over. I'm sorry that I can't stay for dinner." He walks out to and I'm left alone in the big room.

       "Is this something?" He hands me a leather bound journal and I open it up. "I think Madi's here for dinner. I'll be downstairs." I look down at the first page. It was dated around three years ago, just about when I met Sam.  I know I should just put this back under the bed. I know I shouldn't read this. I should just close it and put it away.

      But I don't.

     I haven't written in a while, and I feel bad about that. I met a boy at Playlist. It was Niall Horan. The blonde one from One Direction. It was really strange seeing him in that line. He has my number now.

I skip down to the next entry.

     I got away. I got away from Travis. I'm currently living with Niall. I don't know how I feel about all the sudden publicity I'm getting by hanging out with Niall. I don't know how to feel about him. I can tell he cares about me. I just don't want to be loved. I just want to live. Free from being held down and hurt. But eventually, if I do decide that love this what I want: I don't want the stereotypical loving romance. I want to lay in bed and talk and trust that when I wake up he'll be there. I don't want him to stroke my cheek and tell me I'm beautiful. I just want to talk. I don't need a man to tell me I'm beautiful. I've heard that before. Words mean nothing. Act like it behind closed doors. Not just when I'm out in public. I don't want PDA. I just want someone to think of me the right way. I'm not an object. I'm a human. I want someone who won't hurt me.

      I skip a few pages once more. This one was dated just before we moved back to England.

     I change my mind. I want to love him and I want to be loved by him. He's what I need. I want to lay in bed with him and have him stroke my cheek and play with my hair. I want him to tell me I'm beautiful. I crave the sound of his voice. Early in the morning, his deep, tired voice. Late at night when he tells me he loves me, just before he goes to sleep. When he sings downstairs while cleaning the kitchen, but thinks I can't hear him. I love his accent. I love the way his rough fingers feel against my skin. I want him to hold my hand in public. I want him to pull me closer when we're being yelled at by the paps. I want to be his.

       I flip to near the middle of the book. Out of my curiosity, I find the time of our wedding.

     I'm marrying him next week. I'm marrying Niall. There's nothing that I would change about this. I love him so much. My dress is beautiful. Long and classic. My hair is to that perfect length. For once, I feel beautiful. I wish life could stay like this forever.

      "Niall!" I hear Sam call up the steps and I slam the book shut. "Dinner's ready!" I stick it under the bed and hurry down the steps. The sounds of kid's giggling and running fills the ground floor. I step of the last landing and almost run into Charlie as he circles the table, chasing after Elliot. I stare at Sam as she places plates onto the table. The way her body moves as she stretches across the table to place the glasses down.  Olivia locks eyes with me from across the room and begins to reach for me. I make my way towards Sam, pushing past Harry to get to her. Before I pick Olivia up, I pull Sam away from the table and kiss her softly.

     "I love you Sam. So much."