Through The Dark

Cashmere Sweaters

    My eyes slowly open as Olivia's piercing cries wake the two of us up. 2:33 AM glows on the clock. "Fed or changing." I mutter and sit up. "I'll change her if you feed her." I say. That was our plan every night as usual, but being this tired I had to vocalize it. Sam quietly sits up and I pulls Olive into her chest.

       "Shhh....." She starts to feed her and the cries disappear. The room becomes quiet again and I close my eyes. Eventually, Sam nudges me and hands me the sleepy baby. "It's a poop." She says and rolls over. "Thanks." And that's the end of that. She's back to sleep as soon as she was awoke. I envy that. 

      "Let's clean you up." I stand up, laying Olivia on the comforter. She stretches her little arms out as I unbuckle her onesie. "Oh, mum is right, stinky." I quickly change her, trying not to let her get chilled. Changing her was a lot less risky than changing Theo when he was a baby.  "Goodnight.....sleep for a few more hours."  I kiss her head and lay her back in her bed.

      I start to walk out off the room, to get a drink from the kitchen. I feel a cool breeze when I step off the bottom step. Zayn stands on the deck, with a lit cigarette in hand. I can see the bags under his eyes and the tired look on his face. I can tell his insomnia was worse than before. I guess I underestimated Louis when he told me Zayn never slept. I grab glass and fill it to the brim with water. "Zayn?" I step out with him, instantly chilled. "Still up?"

      "Yup." He slurs. "Long night." I smelled the rum mixed with tabacco on his breath as he sighs. "Niall, you should go back to bed. You shouldn't see me like this." He turns away from me, smashing his cigarette on the cement, then quickly lighting another. 

      "Do you need to talk to me about something?" I ask, trying not to breathe in his smoke.

       "You wouldn't want to hear." He puffs, then sips rum right from the bottle. "Just go to bed." He wasn't the same Zayn that walked in the door. This is what I always expected to see when Zayn came home. This is how he was at the wedding. He put up a fake facade.

      "Talk Zayn." I lean against railing.

        "If this is what my life has come to," he stops to swallow another swig of rum. "I don't want to live it anymore." I stop and step closer to him. The night was quiet, except for his soft breathing. I could tell he was crying. It wasn't the first time I heard him mask his tears with sighs. I could tell he was broken, but he just cleared his throat and continued. "If it wasn't for the kids...." He mumbles. "We deserve to be with the people that make us happy."

        "Perrie...?" I question.

     "Of course. Accepting it is the easy part. Letting go is not. I just miss her so damn much. She was the kind of girl who owned cashmere sweaters and red lipstick. She was always so beautiful. Her hair was always silky and the wings of her eyeliner were always flawless. She was the embodiment of the sound off heels clicking on marble tiles. She looked intimidating, but she was the kind of person who smiled at strangers and petted every dog she passed on the street. She was everything I ever wanted. She deserved someone better than me..."  He stops trying to hide his tears. "See Niall, you're just so lucky. You have it all right. Your lady and your daughter. I only got one out of that deal."

     "You're lucky too. It might not seem like it. You have two little kids who look up to you. Who need you. You're they're only one." I choke back a few tears. "They need you Zayn."

      "Here's the thing Niall. I love them. They're the only thing keeping me here right now. They already don't have a mother. Mason is starting to ask where his mom is. Meredith said mommy the other day. Taking my life would be the cruelest thing I could ever do.  But it's so hard when you're happy, because when you become sad, you wonder if all your happiness was a lie. Because when you get sad, Jesus Christ, you get sad. You cry until there's no energy to even try. But when you're happy, nobody can stop you. This, my friend, is a never ending cycle." He holds the cigarette between his teeth. I stand there, speechless, for a moment. I had nothing left to say. I just wanted anything that he felt had to be said to be said. "Missing her comes in toxic waves. On one hand, I hate her. I hate her for breaking my heart. I hate her for leaving me. On the other hand, I still remember what it was like to sleep by her side. I still remember the way she used to look at me. I still remember the way she breathed. I remember the uncertainty in her voice the last time she said that she loved me. Maybe I'll feel better when I'm with her again."

        "Zayn, you can't think that that. Your thoughts are the ones that are toxic. Just remember all the beautiful things that happened. Your wedding. Your children. Your decade together." I hug him. "Just promise that you won't do anything regrettable."

       "Being able to be with her again is nothing regrettable." He swigs from the bottle again.

     "Listen. Sam thought suicide was the only way out too. You can make it out of this. It's just a bad year, not a bad life." I press my hand to his back. "Sometimes you can't get closure, you just move on. Please get to bed...at least try." I start to walk back in. I sigh and take a deep breath as I slide the glass. The warm air from the furnace shocks my chilled skin. I walk back upstairs to my wife. I probably wouldn't be able to sleep now anyway. I lay back down next to her and wrap her in my arms. I was careful not to wake her. But if I did, it wouldn't be the worse thing.