Always

Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Bat ako nakaka-amoy ng car freshener? Bakit gumagalaw tong kama ko? Nasan ako?

I forcefully open my eyes and woke up a bit disoriented. Ahh, oo nga pala nasa loob ako ng bus and I'm on my way to Baguio. My dad is snoring beside me and I watch as his mouth falls open.

I feel all the food I've eaten rising up my throat. Oh my god I'm going to be sick. Naghanap ako ng supot para doon sumuka.

god damn it. I should've known na ganito kakalabasan ng byahe ko para hindi na sana ako uminum ng madami. Sinuka ko lahat ng ininom at kinain ko dahil sa alak na rin.

Pagkatapos ko magsuka, I leaned back against my seat and closed my eyes trying to fall back to sleep again. Pero imbes na makatulog ako naaalala ko parin yung mga sinabi ni Richard kanina. It kept playing on my mind over and over again until I fell asleep.

"Last week, nung nag-iinuman kami nila Ever, Denver at Eric sa Zola. Dumating si Jero, alam mo naman na kahit kelan hindi ko siya ginusto ni katiting. That's why when he started a game that night, syempre ayokong magpatalo lalo na kung siya kalaban ko. Humaba yung inuman, lasing na kami nun hanggang sa umabot yung pustahan sa posisyon ko at ....." he trailed of.

"Tell me, please." I begged.

He take a lungful of air ang continued.

"Hanggang sa umabot sayo. Alam kong matagal ka na niyang gusto. And, putting you and my posisyon at stake would really make him go crazy and crushed at the same time kapag tinalo ko siya. But, I wasn't expecting that he would cheat on the game and make tactical moves on it and...."

He keeps trailing of and I don't know if I still wanted him to continue what he's saying. No no ayoko na ng ganito. Ayoko na ng ibang pusta. Ayoko na

Ayoko na.

"He saw the devastated look in my face and said to me that he can make the situation lighter. Papipiliin ka niya and if you choose him, he wouldn't hurt you. Pero kapag dineny mo siya, mapaparusahan ka. At hindi ako pwedeng makialam. I took the chance to make it safer for you pero hindi mo tinanggap yung offer niya." he continued lowering his head further.

Nang dahil lang sa ego niya napahamak ako. And now he's claiming that he even saved me? What a fucking lunatic. I don't know what to say. I've ran out of words. Why on earth did I not see what's happening.

He sold me to the devil. I kept my tears at bay not wanting him to see me vulnerable.

I just sunk in deeper into the water and that is him. I just let myself fall to the ground and as he reaches for my hand,

"Don't you dare touch me. We're done." I said shooting daggers his way. I'm done, I'm done with all your lies. I'm done letting you putting me at stake all the time. I thought everything will end last time but it got worse. Ngayon dinamay pa niya posisyon niya because of that stupid game.

Hindi ko na masabi sa kanya yun because I'm all out of energy to fight with him. So all those things he did back inside was just for show. Fuck you Richard!

I sigh playing that scene lastly through my mind before drifting back to sleep.

**

When I woke up, nasa Baguio na kami. We travel to Aurora hill silently. I'm tired, I'm spent and the energy in me has faded. Pagtingin ko sa rearview mirror, I was buffled with my appearance. Para akong patay. All color was drained away from my face and my lips were pale.

What did I ever do to deserve this. Buti sana kung may lumabas na luha kahit isa pero wala eh. I'm so tired of crying. Of pitying myself. I, I need to protect myself from now on. Build those walls Richard has torn down. Now making sure it's stronger.

I can do this. I can manage to put a stupid smile on my face. I don't want pity, I want power ang dominance in everything I do. Ayoko nang magpabigay. Ayoko nang maging mahina.

I was pulled from my train of thoughts when dad announced that we've arrived.

I am kinda nervous that I will be studying here in Baguio. 2nd year college na ako and I don't think I can still handle my course right now. Mahaba habang taon pa ang gugugulin ko sa medicine kaya hindi ko alam kung kakayanin ko pang magsimula ulit dito. But why not give it a chance? Wala namang masama kung susubukan ko diba?

6 am na nang makarating kami dito at ang unang unang gagawin namin ni dad ay ang magenroll. Gusto ko nang ishift tung course ko, gusto ko sanang mag-engineering. Pero hindi ko alam kung gugustuhin ni daddy. Wag nalang kaya? Pero sayang din naman kung hindi ko itratry diba? Ugh! Who am I even convincing? It's my dad who I 'm trying to rebel against with. Huwag nalang.

--

As I ready myself for my enrollment, I was debating against myself kung gusto ko pa nga bang mag-aral. Pangalawang beses ko na tong naglipat ng university kaya hindi ko alam kung magandang idea pa ba ang pag-aaral sa akin. I mean I'm not that dumb or something pero minsan kasi nakakapagod na gawin ang isang bagay na hindi ko naman talaga gustong gawin.

I just pushed myself out of my room and go my way towards the kitchen. Kumakain na sila ng agahan pero wala akong gana.

"Hindi ka ba kakain Alex?" tita inquired. "Uhm, no tita. Am not in the mood to shove some food inside my mouth right now. But thanks." I said and smiled.

I walk through the door and was quickly engulfed by the cold breeze of Baguio. A shiver ran through my body as I watch the students go there way to their schools.

I've already looked up for any potential schools here in Baguio and Baguio City International University stood out in my opinion so I'm looking forward to seeing it in person.

Pero incase na hindi ko magustuhan, well malamang. Magiging mahaba habang hanapan to kung nagkataon.

Sana sa paglipat ko dito may maganda itong maidudulot sa akin. Sana hindi na ako multuhin ng nakaraan ko. Sana maramdaman ko na dito ang totoong ibig sabihin ng home. Yung tipong babalik balikan mo hindi dahil sa gusto mong mamasyal pero babalik balikan mo kasi gusto mong maalala lagi yung masasayang araw nang nandito ka pa.
Sana nga

Sana.