"We accept the love we think we deserve" is one of the most memorable lines in the book Perks Of Being A Wallflower. Probably because it is one of the truest things ever written.
I didn't think I deserved better, so I stayed with a person who treated me like garbage. I didn't think I deserved anything good, so I shied away from anyone who treated me kindly.
After years of being treated like an option, it's hard to acknowledge the fact that, to somebody, you are a necessity. Growing up I was isolated by the dark walls of anger and hatred that my family members put up, causing me to build my own walls.
I lived through years of harsh words screamed to my face and whispered behind my back, but is that really surviving if it just kills me on the inside? Every word spoken, or even written, creates another crack in my heart and make me think: well if everyone says I'm worthless then it's probably true. And once I start thinking like that, I can never stop. It's like a waterfall of pessimism.
And if I think I'm worthless, why would anybody think otherwise? If you have no confidence in yourself then there is no reason for anyone else to. If you walk with your head down, nobody will see your bright thoughts in your eyes. They'll only see your hunched shoulders and the stab wounds in your back from all the people that hurt you. Then they'll treat you like crap, just like the others, because they know you'll take it.
You'll think you deserve it.
But you don't. None of us do, really. Nobody deserved to be treated like garbage and thrown to the curb. Nobody has the right to hurt you and make you feel like you're worthless.
And one day you will realize that the love you thought you deserved wasn't love at all, and you really deserve much more.
