God why do I always mess up? I feel like shit and I just wanna cry but I can't. I just can't. My aunt might wake up and I really can't risk that. But also, I just physically can't cry.
Really, though, I do mess everything up. Everyone who has ever cared about me just get fucked over. Don't even bother caring because you'll only hurt.
But even wrose, I hurt too. I hurt myself even more than I hurt everyone else. Physically and mentally. I just want to fall into a sea of nothingness and drown in my own sorrow. I want to take back every bad thing I've ever done and make it right. I want to take back every stupid mistake I've ever made.
But that isn't possible.
I wish I could turn back time but keep the knowledge I have now. I would go back years and years and years. I would change so many things.
I would stand up for myself as a kid when I was bullied so much. I would hold my head high all those years instead of cry and cower. I would be strong.
I would try to spend time with poeple more, be more social. Instead of letting myself be isolated. I hated all those years locked up in my room because my family hated me.
I would put more effort into my schoolwork. A lot of my slacking off has always been due to my dilapidated mental state, but that's no excuse. I need to pull myself together.
I would say no to the guys that I now know would hurt me, and I would say no to the guys that I know I would hurt. I would just say no to everyone, basically.
I would make different friends, ones that I know won't hurt me.
I would choose to not cut because these scars are my scarlet letters, condemning me to a future dictated by my past.
I would change everything, really. I would be a whole nother person. A person who doesn't mess up and ruin everything.
I would be someone other than me.
