I'm at a new school with mostly new people. I have new friends. A new boyfriend. New teachers and new classes and new opportunities.
But I'm still sad. I'm still sad and lonely and hurting inside. For a while I thought I was better, and I really was. Then I wasn't. I wasn't better anymore and I was spiralling down and down and further down till now here I am sitting behind the screen of my laptop on the verge of tears.
Some of my friends care. Others don't.
The boyfriend doesn't mean to hurt me, but he does. Physically and emotionally and mentally. Last week he accidentally elbowed me in the eye, knocking out my contact and making me cry. He insults me without realizing his words are hurtful. He didn't call this weekend, even though I asked him to since we have no other way to communicate outside of school, and I know that if I ask why he'll either say he forgot or say there wasn't a good time to call even though it is literally a two minute feat.
It's stupid. A whole bloated paragraph about a boy who's leaving in one month, two months tops. He's transferring to another school next semester, a few states away, out of my reach.
My depression is still here, my anxiety as bad as ever. The suicidal thoughts have toned down, but how long can that last?
I stopped seeing my therapist because I didn't trust her anymore after to she fucked up some stuff with my insurance. I needed to switch to a new anti-depressant but my psychiatrist didn't show up to our scheduled appointment and he upset/unnerved me anyway so I didn't like him and we just gave up on him. And my insurance decided to stop paying for my ADD medication even though they're supposed to be paying for the things that my other insurance won't pay fore (therapist appointments co-pays, medication, etc.)
So I'm absolutely defenseless right now. No meds, no therapy. Just my depression and my anxiety and my attention deficit disorder and my post traumatic stress disorder. The same fucking place I was a year ago.
