struggling➾ phan (complete)

4

i woke up in phil's arms this morning. i was in my own but but phil with next to me, his arms holding tightly onto my waist. i was confused. why would i have slept in the same bed as him? i slowly pulled myself up, trying not to wake phil as i was going to make tea downstairs, but i failed, and he opened his eyes, his eyes still buried in sleep.

"where are you going dan?" he asked, propping himself up on his elbow. 

i was hesitant to answer, i had no idea why he was here or why were talking, i thought he was uncomfortable with me, but i smiled and replied quickly "to make tea. want some?"

he nodded, and i went downstairs, to prepare it. phil trailed behind me, sitting on the couch once downstairs. it was done after not too long, and i put two sugars, no milk in my tea. so there was no calories. i made phil's tea how i knew he liked it, with milk and one sugar. he thanked me, taking the tea and waiting for me to sit before switching on the television.

we watched a british bake off for around an hour, although i was still confused as to why he was being so friendly to me and not awkward which was exactly what our friendship was.

 pj came down, somewhat glaring at me. i was confused, but i racked my brain hard enough to remember what i did that made him so mad.

i have to make things right

i stood up, taking both mine and phil's cup to the sink. i walked up to pj, who was happily munching on his cereal.

"look pj, i didn't mean to do all that. it wasn't me talking. it was the alcohol. and i very much consider you my mate" i gave a nervous smile, unsure of his reaction. luckily, he smiled widely, reaching to give me a hug. i took it, glad he was okay with it.

"that's okay. i totally understand. i've had my incidents too you know" i chuckled slightly, not really in the mood but still glad he was okay. i was mostly not in the mood because i didn't really feel well. i was beginning to feel weak, and every time i stood, i felt all fuzzy and my vision went away for a few seconds.  it wasn't bad yet. and that's what i was scared of if i went on not eating, i wouldn't be able to keep my hands still, nor would i even be able to stand without nearly falling over.

i sighed, knowing chris, pj, or phil would notice my shaky state and begin to question me. i know I would give in if they did that. and i really don't want to be confronted yet again.

they would put me in a psych ward. i know that for a fact.

i've only got today and tomorrow to go without food. i could do that. hopefully.

i stopped thinking of it, and went back into my room, calling phil to join me, he'd previously told me that he had to tell me something, so i was going to talk to him about that.

he came in "yeah?" i patted the spot next to me, telling him to sit.

"you said you needed to talk?" i said. i was honestly terrified. i just have a feeling its going to be bad, it's never good.

"well, i just wanted to tell you that...tonight, im having someone over. his name is troye" he said, looking down, as if he was ashamed.

i felt as if my heart got ripped out of my chest. i felt a strong feeling flood into me. wasn't i supposed to be happy? my best friend is going to fall in love. his life was going to fall in place.

but mine was going to fall apart.

all i did was fake a smile as best i could. "oh....that's n-nice" i stood up, walking over to the door "y-you don't have to tell me, it's not like you have to ask my permission or anything" i joked around nudging his shoulder, i only did this to get him to think i was okay with it.

"i have to call someone. could you p-please leave" i said, fiddling with the sleeves of my jacket. he nodded, not noticing that i was on the verge of tears, and i was using all of my power to hold it back.

as soon as he left the room, i threw myself onto the bed, my chest heaving and racking, i was sobbing uncontrollably. and for what? just because he is having someone over? i felt ashamed for being so upset about it but i couldn't control my tears, it was like a sink.

i couldn't believe it. phil....phil? phil.

i just couldn't believe that everything was falling apart. again. i don't want to do this anymore. i really don't. i could forget about phil. i could at least try. do what he was doing, except i don't want a relationship to come from it. all it would be was a one night stand and that's all i'm looking for.

i stood up, wiping my face with my sleeves and getting what i needed. i grabbed the keys, getting into my car. they tried asking me where i was going, but i ignored them. and before i left, i saw phils face, i felt guilty, seeing that worried look on his face.

***********************

i finally made it, and entered. it was hot, and the air was stuffy. i walked up to the bar, taking an empty seat. no one was sat there. i had no one to talk to, as usual. i sighed deeply and rested my cheek on my palm. i was hopeless. no job, no boyfriend, i have nothing. everything was falling apart and it was all my fault. 

the bartender came up to me a look of pity was painted clearly on his face, "what can i get you?"

"um, just a vodka" he smiled, and left to make it. i couldnt help but think of phil and what hes doing. the thought of him being with another boy made me want to throw up. i needed to get to that house and see what he was doing and who he was with.

before even getting a sip of my vodka, i stood up, and began rushing to my car. i have to see him. i sped over there, and i got there quicker than i intended. i opened the door.

 phil was alone on the couch. he turned off the tv as soon as i walked in, and shot me a dirty look.

i scoffed and sat on one of the dining chairs "what's up your ass"

"what do you mean?! you just left without telling anyone and you come back upset, busting open doors and expect me not to be mad?" he waved his hands in the air, trying to get the point to me faster.

"what does it matter to you" i stood up, and phil followed.

"i- uh-i just don't want you to damage the doors, that's all" he stuttered, obviously holding something back.

i rushed past phil, making sure to make eye contact and shoot him a look. i rushed into my room.

 i was done with his shit. he comes and tells me that he's going on a date with a random boy, and he gets mad at me?

What a cunt

i just fell onto my bed, curling up into a ball.

i can't believe i just did that. im disgusting. he was only trying to protect me. he just cares.

warm, angry tears were now carelessly rolling down my cheeks. my heart felt empty, and i felt like throwing up. why do i always throw tantrums when i see phil? i was the one who wanted to build our friendship and here i am calling him a cunt. 

i could forget about loving phil.

that's the only thing i want.

im lying. all i really want is to love him.

that's never going to happen

because of troye

A/N

Tbh idk what im doing with this anymore. Tell me if you think it sucks or not??

~luke