struggling➾ phan (complete)

10

sorry for the constant updates, tell me if you do or don't like it?

since the day phil came here, i haven't left my room once. i have barley left my bed, and that's only to use the restroom.

it's scary how fast im losing weight. ive lost around fifteen already. im at my lowest weight, which means im lower than i was when i got hospitalized.

i don't want to go back there. this time, they would send me to a special institute for eating disorders, which means i would be put with other people, and they would have to watch me eat.

i would look massive compared to them.

i sat up in bed, and walked over to the restroom to check how i looked. doing so wasn't always the best idea but it gave me some closure. i shut and locked the door, even though no one lives here, it was safer for some reason. i walked up to the mirror, and slipped off my shirt.

i didn't expect to be happy, but i was. i was extremely thin, and i could finally feel every bone in my ribs, i could feel the sharpness in my hipbones, and not just while im laying down. i could see the bones just by standing up, they stuck out, not fat this time, but bones, just how i like it. and i felt like i had at least one part of my life under control. 

i still wasn't completely happy with myself, i still had a bit of fat in the middle of my stomach, so ill work on that today.

i pulled on my shirt, and realized how much faster that extra fat would go away if i exersized, so i set a reminder for me to start working out. i would be happy with the results, i think, but either way ill be thinner than yesterday.

im happy with my weight but not how i look. my starting weight was about 161 while im around 6ft 3 inches tall, which was a normal weight, and my weight now is 130, which is considered underweight, but i don't even look underweight.

30lbs isn't that much anyways, my real goal is 115, supposedly it's impossible, unless im dead, but im willing to die to get to that weight. i want to prove to phil that im perfect and i can control myself. he seems to think i'm not in control, and that i can't live my life. i'll show him, he'll regret ever doubting me.

i walked out of the restroom, i sat on the floor in my room and started doing sit ups as fast as i possibly could. i needed to burn every cell of fat that i had. i want to be perfect, for phil, to prove that i'm in control.

i felt my heart rate begin to drop, slower and slower. i was sweating rapidly, and i felt dehydrated. my lips were dry and pale, i didn't have water near me. my breaths were shallow, a feeling i was familiar with, and my vision began blurring. 

what was happening to me. i began to panic, i never felt like this before.

i clutched my chest, attempting to sit up but my muscles were unable to hold the weight of my body, and i collapsed onto my back, hand still tightly grabbing onto my shirt. my breathing was slowing down, and my heart beat was nearly gone.

i felt my eyes slowly begin to close, i was too tired to keept them open, it wasn't in my control. i felt nothing.

please be dead. please be dead. please be dead. please be dead.

A/N

i'm so cringey bye

~luke