struggling➾ phan (complete)

11

i woke up on my carpet. i was hot, and i felt sticky. my skin was wet, my hair was curly again, probably from the sweat, and my mouth felt dry and dirty.

my brain felt hazy, i lost all concept of time. i felt my hands, they were soaked and sticky, i had no idea what that was. i gathered enough strength to sit up. i looked around and saw clear liquid covering the carpet, and my hands. there were a few dry stains on my mouth and on my shirt.

i twisted my face, and began shaking my hands violently to try to take off any of it without actually touching it. it worked, but not enough, so i just wiped the rest on the carpet, and stood up. i was a mess.

i took off my shirt and shorts, throwing them in the wash. what happened, i didn't take any pills so what was that.

i probably just passed out and threw up some kind of liquid from dehydration. there was no sign of food in it, it just looked clear. i didn't worry too much about it. im not in the hospital yet so i shrugged it off, like i did most things, and went to get myself a new pair of clothes.

i pulled on a pale blue jumper, with some black tights and began to make my way downstairs to prepare myself some tea. i sat on the couch in silence, trying to find out what happened until i heard the screeching sound of the tea kettle.

i went over, turned off the stove, poured some in my favorite mug, and fell onto the couch, with my tea, turning on the tv.

there was almost nothing ever interesting on here, but i had nothing else to do. usually if phil was here, we would go into town, or maybe just sit and drink hot chocolate while watching christmas movies even though it was well past.

i smiled at the thought of him, but it also saddened me to know he did all of those things with troye now.

thinking of this made me want to curl up in a ball and cry my worries away, like i'm so used to doing now. im such a fucking cry baby now. i want the old me back.

but i was not capable of doing that. ive shed too many tears over phil, i don't want to anymore.

i turned off the tv, no longer in the mood to watch, and made my way upstairs again. i walked into my room, and took a seat on the floor next to the foot of my bed.

i didn't want to do anything besides think. i want to get my head clear, though it's not possible i would like to clear it up as much as i possibly could.
so i thought.

i thought of phil, and the way he would look at troye, and i realized he used to look at me that way. troye stole everything from me. he stole phil, and he is my everything.

i thought of what phil was doing right now. is he in troyes arms, softly snoring. was his lips against troyes, where mine were supposed to be. was he happy?

im sure troye makes him happier than i was ever able to.

but i have to face the fact that he's no longer mine, and he never was, and never will be. the worst part is that phil doesn't know how much i need him right now, but i'm sure troye needs him just as much.