struggling➾ phan (complete)

7

dans pov

i woke up feeling extremely nauseous and out of it. my head was way beyond fuzzy at this point, and i'm now incapable of standing. it's been about a week since i've had a proper meal, or any food for that matter. the only calorie intake that i had was in alcohol. i can't seem to stop now, it's my only escape, and my only distraction from phil. its the only source of control i have in my life. i can't face that he's found someone else now. he doesn't need me anymore. he never needed me in the first place.

i sat up in bed, at that in itself was hard enough, so i'm quite scared to stand up. i'm hoping i'll make it down the stairs safely, but if i do, i'm sure he'll question me either way.

i walked over to the restroom first, leaning on the walls for support. i made it in okay, and stepped on the scale. this time i was actually pleased with the numbers.

i haven't eaten for four days, and because of that, i lost around eight pounds. i needed only twenty more pounds until i reached my goal weight. realizing i had reached my first goal weight, i now qualified as underweight.

you're fat, how could you be underweight.

you're right. but maybe i should check how i look anyways.

i slid off my shirt, revealing my bare chest. my ribs stuck out much more than it did before, they looked like bruised daggers trying to escape from my chest. maybe they wanted to get out too. my hip bones were extremely prominent, and pushed my pants away so far, it wasn't able to touch my skin.

i stretched out my arm, further examining myself. there was less flab on them then last time, but still enough to grab. fortunately, i was also able to wrap my fingers around my wrists, touching each with my thumb carelessly.

i smiled, pleased with my results, but it wasn't enough. there was still that extra little flab hanging off my arm, still that chubbiness on my hip bones, i could still grab skin off of my ribs, therefore it's not enough.

i walked out of the bathroom, reminding myself that i had to fast for only two more days and i would be okay to eat again.

when i was downstairs, phil wasn't there, there was no sign of him anywhere, no empty cereal bowl, no open box, no milk left out, no tv on. but i then spotted a yellow sticky note plastered onto the fridge. i walked carefully over, peeling it off and reading.

dan,

went out with troye somewhere, don't wait up, i'll be home late.

i sighed sadly, he would've never done this before, or he would've at least had the guts to tell me it to my face. what's happening to me. to phil. to us.

i'm not the happy, energetic dan that everyone has known, and phil is no longer that innocent, adorable child, he's now a grown adult, making decisions which will make up his whole life. as for me, i'm falling apart, i'm broken, and i feel i'm beyond the point of being put back together.

i trudged over to the fridge, opening it and taking out the milk. i grabbed a mug, and poured some hot water over the tea bag. i made sure not to put any actual sugar, just the substitute like always, and one teaspoon of milk, which is 20 calories. 

i sat on the soft couch, i could feel my elbow scraping against my sharp hip bone, i'm constantly in pain. when will someone help me.

i ignored the pain and continued drinking my tea, and watching death note, an anime me and phil used to watch together all the time. we had so many happy memories watching this. i can't help but think of him curling up into a ball when he was scared or wanted to know what happened next. i missed those times i wonder if he does too.

i was finished with a whole episode when i felt full. i walked over to put the cup away, and made my way upstairs. i felt extremely out of it. i could barley make anything out, everything was blurred and seemed a grey color.

i fell onto my bed, half of my body dangling off the side. my breathing became heavier, and it felt like someone reached into my body and pulled every last breath out of me and wouldn't let go.  my whole body was tingling, and i had no strength to further hold me up on the bed with my arms, so i collapsed.

i lied in the middle of my room, my breathing extremely shallow, and painful, i couldn't even keep my eyes open. i closed them, and relaxed. if these were my last breaths, i wanted to be calm and happy when i die. i could feel death creeping up on me, i was cold. it was a feeling i couldn't describe. i was happy. there were no thoughts pressing at my skull anymore. there were no feeling scratching at my stomach. there was just peace.

my eyes started closing slowly, and i let it. i let my eyes shut, and i fell asleep, wishing i didn't wake up the next day.

seconds later my eyes snapped open again, and i wheezed and grasped for air. the door opened downstairs, and i could hear screaming. the voices were yelling, they were muffled. i couldn't tell who it was, my hearing was fading away, and my vision was a blur. i began to crawl to the door, attempting to lock it, i hoped and prayed that my shaking fingers were strong enough to turn the lock. i didn't want phil to come and rescue me. i liked this feeling of death being so near. it was serene, and phil can't ruin that for me.

i was inches away from the lock when the door flung open, hitting my cheek, causing me to roll over, onto my back "dan? dan!?" i heard a faint voice yell for me, i couldn't tell who it was, i could barley even hear them say my name. everything was fading away and i felt myself smile. a genuine smile, after so long of not feeling like this, i was happy. and i was ready. 

please don't be phil

i looked up, and focused on the face staring down at me. i felt wetness fall onto my face, it rolled down my cheeks and into my hair. tears. they belonged to someone else. i tried to fix my eyes, just for a second to see who it was and i saw pale eyes. they were so beautiful, like i always remembered they were.

my last sight was the thing that made me happiest. they eyes that feel like home, the ones that make me happy. i love him, but i can't bring myself to stay here. i want to leave him. 

"im sorry phil."

A/N

oops 

~luke