struggling➾ phan (complete)

5

//tw// self harm//

troye cancelled on phils date. it was planned for yesterday night. i was happy at first, but then i heard that he was going to come today instead. he wants to meet us all.

i don't want to meet him. i might end up having the urge to punch him in the face.

i hate feeling this way. i want to be happy for phil, that he's finally meeting someone. i just....cant.

he's supposed to be coming in around ten minutes. i'm not ready, but i want to be there when he comes. i want to see what all the fuss is about. apparently chris has met him before. he's also head over heels for him.

im sure troye is an amazing person, but he can't take phil from me. not my phil.

i sat up in bed, even weaker than yesterday. it's all going wrong. i don't want to be in the hospital, i'll just cause more problems, like always. i held onto the bed for support, and stood up, gripping my head. it was as if i could feel the throbbing of my heart in my head, it's trying to get out.

i made my way downstairs without fainting, surprisingly, and made my way to my liquor stash, again. it was the morning that he was coming to meet us, but i really needed this. it might help with the throbbing of my head.

i received strange looks from everyone downstairs, they knew it was wrong that i was drinking at 9 am, but the obviously didn't care enough to stop me. so i went on.

i was already chugging down my second glass when i heard a knock at the door. it was him. i wasn't even in the mood to get worked up about this like i did with pj. i didn't want to anger phil even more. i've done enough damage. i miserably trudged over to the couch, taking my drink with me. i looked like shit. i was still in my underwear, which i haven't changed in days, and i was wearing a yellowed shirt that was supposed to be white.

i heard the door open, and turned to look at the person everyone has been fussing about. as he walked in, my eyes widened, he really was stunning.

he had caramel brown locks, sprawled across his forehead. his plump pink lips accompanied his bright blue eyes.his pointy nose was pierced and it suited him so well. he was wearing a jean jacket, black jeans, ripped at the knees.

i just sighed again, returning to my drink, not bothering to hurt myself any further by staring at him. from the way phil embraced him, and the way he gazed at him, it was obvious he had fallen hard.

unfortunately, he looked at me that way before, and now hes given it to someone else.

they continued talking, i couldn't make out what they were saying because it was barley over a whisper, or maybe my hearing was just hazy from the drinking. either way, they ignored me as usual.

i was so used to being invisible to everyone, even the people i trusted, the ones i gave everything to, they saw my broken state and gave up on me. because that's how life is, at least in my world. people don't want to face the real you, they disguise you, make you seem how they want you to, but they don't know the truth, not until they stumble upon it, if they wanted to or not. and when they do see what you truly are, they push you out of their life's, thinking they're too important for your 'stupid little problems'.

but then there's the strong people, the ones that care. they hold you, tell you it's okay, and they help you through it, every step of they way. and they do all that just to be with you.

that's how i thought phil was, apparently not.

that's when i snapped, i set my cup on the floor, running up the stairs. i had to get away as fast as possible. phil is destroying me, piece by piece. i never wanted this to happen. i didn't want my best friend to ignore me. my breathing increased, i could barley make it up the stairs without almost fainting.

i ran into the restroom, slamming the door behind me. i began to rummage through the cabinets, looking for the one escape i had. i finally found it. my blade.

i flipped it around between my index finger and my thumb for a while, thinking if this is right or not. i had my whole life inbetween these two fingers. i can just throw away everything and get that relief, or i can be strong. and im not sure if im able to do that.

but i need the release

but you promised phil

but he's not mine anymore. he never was mine.

i sighed deeply, and pressed it on the delicate skin of my wrist, and i slid it. i sighed at the familiar feeling of burning, stinging, then numbness. i wanted more. the metal was cold against my skin. i did it again, i felt my skin slit open and the crimson red blood begin to form beads. i sighed in relief, already itching for more. so i did another. and another.

soon enough, i was standing over the sink, it was splattered with blood, i was disgusting, but i finally felt okay. i felt calm and my nerves were gone. i finally felt like i was going to be okay. i was released. everything was faded and hazy and i almost forgot about everything until i heard pj rushing up the stairs calling my name.

"dan? you okay?" he said worryingly, rapidly knocking on the door.

he's a bit late. i sighed, and told him i was almost finished, but he didn't leave, he waited in front of the door for me to come out.

i frantically put my blade away and rinsed out the sink. i ran water over the fresh cuts and felt the burning sensation i will forever yearn for. i wrapped them up in bandages and pulled down my sleeve, concealing everything. it was amazing how easily i can hide it.

i walked out to a concerned pj, but i just gave a fake smile, and walked past him. but of course he had to grab my arm, i winced and the intense amount of stinging his grip caused.

luckily he didn't notice my pain, and he continued

"you don't have to be so angry with phil. you know he only wants to be happy"

i chuckled sarcastically "oh really?" i turned away, ripping away from his grip.

"no dan wait"

i stopped and turned around "what" i said impatiently.

"phil just wants to be with troye okay, and he still wants you as a friend. he doesn't want to see you getting hurt"

i laughed "oh well it's too late for that, i'm way past just 'hurt'. tell phil i said to fuck off" with that, i went into my room, slamming the door again.

to be honest i wasn't even mad anymore i was just hurting like crazy, it was getting hard to breath and i was panicking, so i turned on music.

i closed my eyes and let myself sink into the music, and fall into the only place that i have peace and quiet, but even there i have no peace.

A/N

This sucked but I'm extremely sad and exhausted so it was kind of a rant I guess.

~luke