struggling➾ phan (complete)

6

tonight phil went somewhere with troye. i'm afraid of what he's going to do. i'm not even jealous anymore, i'm afraid of troye hurting him. he doesn't deserve to be hurt.

pj and chris have already left, they were only staying for a few weeks until they got things settled. they had barley got a flat together, they're starting a life together now. i'm really happy for them, but now this house feels lonely. i hate empty houses. its just another reminder that i'm completely alone.

eventually, phil and troye came home. i couldn't hear much but i knew they were talking about me. i sighed, and decided my mind needed a rest, so i turned on some music and closed my eyes.

-

Phil's pov

"phil, what's up with that dan guy?" troye asked, leaning forward on the counter.

i sighed. not even i knew. sure he was jealous, but it wasn't like him to be acting this weird. i knew about his crush on me, and i feel bad for him. i can't love him, i can't risk hurting him more and breaking him again.

but then who knows if i could be the one that puts him back together.

i rested my head on one hand, and grabbed troyes hand with my free one.

"don't worry. he'll be alright. i hope" i whispered the last part to myself. the last thing i wanted was dan hurting himself because of me. i know he self harms and he's extremely vulnerable at this time, due to everyone ignoring him, and his constant drinking.

i'm really worried about him, but i think he'll be fine and get over me. but then again, i'm not even sure if i'm over him. he's always been there for me, and he's always willing to help, he's just an amazing person, but loving him just isn't right. hes so pure and i don't want to ruin that. i probably have already. 

troye noticed my troubled state and suggested that we go somewhere. i agreed and we headed to a local bar.

we took a seat and the bartender took our orders. im not one for drinking so i ordered cola instead, and troye went for a round of shots.

we had small talk while me and him were enjoying our drinks, but it began to get less enjoyable, as talking with a drunk person isn't the most fun.

his words were slurring and i was growing irritated. i've never liked drinking because it reminds me of my so called father. so seeing troye upset me, he reminded me of him. his drunken words, droopy eyes and stumbling body. 

i sighed, and decided it was best to leave him at the bar and go home myself. i left him with 20 dollars to take a cab, and he didn't mind going home alone, so i left.

when i got home, the house was a mess. there was glass shards everywhere, picture frames were in pieces on the floor, flower pots were shattered, and the cabinet which contained the liquor in was missing a few bottles.

i sighed, knowing it was dan, but i didn't want to have to deal with that at the moment. dan was constant trouble, i didn't mean to sound rude but all he does is break things and waste the alcohol, which is expensive. i tried putting locks but he always seemed to get into it somehow. probably bribed pj or chris into giving him the key.

i missed them. they were a distraction from dan, a distraction from watching him tear himself up, piece my piece. honestly, troye is too. all he is, is just a distraction from myself and dan. i don't want to face the pain that i've caused dan. seeing him in pain is the thing i hate most. i love it when he's happy, and when he shows his beautiful smile. his dimples, i love the way they sink in and one more prominent than the other, and those moles that make it look like a sad face always makes me laugh. i remember laughing together, and playing sonic and donkey kong. i smiled widely to myself.

it was pretty late now, so guessing he was asleep, i went upstairs and into his room.

as i opened a door, a wave of nostalgia hit me. i remember everything we ever did in here. the pillow fights, the moments i would hold dan when he needed it, the times i slept in his bed to keep him warm, it goes back years. i miss that. when we could come to each other when either of our life's were going to shit. we were each others escape. but now all we are is each others mistakes.

i sat down on his bed next to his legs. he looked so peaceful. but he didn't look happy, not even in his sleep. his face looked pale, and lifeless. you could see the bones sticking out from his face. they were sharp.

his lips were chapped, and blue, he looked extremely sick.

i then grabbed his hands and examined his nails. i pressed down on his nail, and waited for it to return to its natural pink color, but it stayed a blueish white color. his nails felt brittle, like i could break it with a simple push down.

what else was dan doing to himself that i didn't know about.

worry was now flowing through me, i didn't want dan to end up dead. and it would all be my fault. how do i call myself a friend.

i grunted, and stood up swiftly, tugging at the edges of my hair. i was frustrated now, and i have no reason to. i don't care for dan.

yes you do.

i don't love him.

yes you do.

i can't love him

yes you can.

i love troye

do you really?

somewhat

still...

but if i go back to dan, I'll hurt him.

......

i sighed, and dropped myself onto my bed, burying my face in the pillow.

i don't know what to do anymore. i love troye, but im not sure about dan. i don't know if i love him as a lover, or as a friend. but i want to make him happy but i want to protect troye. but i want to hold dan, but i want to comfort troye.

i squeezed my eyes shut, and removed the thoughts, before they got out of hand, and i began to fall asleep. but troye wasn't on my mind this time.

for some strange reason,

it was dan.

A/N

idk where im going with this story lol, i guess ill let it play out? idek

~luke