struggling➾ phan (complete)

8

i woke up, a bright light stinging my eyes. i could feel my heart beating in my veins. my blood flowing through my head. it hurt to blink, the lights were so blinding.

i sat up, and felt a stabbing pain shoot through my stomach. i lifted my shirt to see what was happening, and saw a tube piercing into my skin, my first guess was that my stomach was being pumped, but i fainted, why would they need to pump my stomach for that? i realized it was most likely i was being fed by this tube. i felt tears build instantly after realizing.

i looked to my right and saw a sleepy phil. he still looked breathtaking, even when it looked like his hair was falling out from stress and he had dark circles under his eyes.

 he was sat near the corner of my bedside, half asleep.

my head was throbbing, and i felt extremely weak, i could barley maintain the grip i had on the side of the bed to keep me up. i heard a knock on the door and laid back down. a man wearing scrubs came in, clipboard in hand. guessing he was the doctor, i smiled softly at him.

"hello daniel, how are you feeling"

"fine i guess" i rubbed my head, and sat up again to face the doctor.

"would you like to know your diagnosis?"

i nodded slightly, though i didn't want to know, i don't want to face how broken i actually am.

he lifted his board, squinting at it. "you've got anorexia nervosa, you have manic depression, and your anxiety levels are extremely high. your blood pressure is very low, and your malnourished, so we will be taking care of you for the next few days"

i sighed, and rested my head back down. what did i expect, what they said wasn't even true, i'm not anorexic, i'm just on a diet, and i'm not depressed, right?

"i'm sorry but for your own safety, we need make sure you do not attempt to take your own life. you will have to stay in intensive care."

i scoffed, why would they need to make sure of that, i would be completely under their watch either way. i don't know why phil brought me here anyways, i would've finally left him alone with troye and he would've been happier if i was dead.

the doctor left the room, and i laid back down again, waiting for phil to wake up. i know he's going to give me a stupid excuse as to why he called the ambulance, everything would've been easier if he left me there to die. i would've been happier and so would he.

i sighed softly, reaching for the glass of water on the table next to me and i slid it across the table, forgetting the clipboard was there, the cup fell out of my hand, shattering on the floor.

phil jumped up, opening his eyes widely. he looked terrible, he had dark circles under his eyes and he was obviously very worried. his skin was pale and he looked like he hadn't slept in days, but its only been one night. his hair was ruffled from gripping it so much. i know he does that when hes frustrated.

"you look like crap" i said coldly.

"so do you"

rolling my eyes, i flung my legs over the bed and prepared to stand to use the restroom. i had to wheel the fluids and machines along with me if i wanted to even stand up. when i put my feet on the ground i could barley even support myself, my knees felt like collapsing and for some reason my feet were tender. it was so painful and i didn't even stand fully yet.

before i could completely stand, i felt cold fingers wrap around my forearm tightly.

his fingers glided across the fresh cuts, making me wince. he didn't seem to notice them, and continued talking.

"don't go dan, i want to talk to you"

i pulled my arm away from his grip, and turned my head, proceeding to walk to the restroom. i was too mad at him for taking me here, it would've been okay if he left me there to die. 

i walked in, not intending to use the bathroom, but i wanted to see the effects this tube had on me. i lifted my shirt and saw the bruising and redness surrounding the tube. i grazed my finger over it and felt stabbing pains. it was still sensitive. i eyed my body , examining the damage. i was repulsed. my ribs were less noticeable, and my hipbones less sharp. i missed the feeling of touching it and feeling the bones, and the constant feeling of coldness all the time. i had only been under the tube for a day or two and already, i've gained? 

i sighed deeply and let my robe fall back over my chest and returned to my bed where an impatient looking nurse stood.

"okay, this is where you will have you therapy sessions and where you will go for your medication" she handed me a tiny piece of paper, which contained a number, which i assumed was the room, along with a name of the business and therapist.

i nodded, and she walked out of the room, leaving me and phil alone. i looked over at him and frowned. his usually glowing skin was pale, and he looked worried. i could see the tears pooling in his eyes, i can't bare to see him like this. he kept looking up at me and opening and closing his mouth as if he wanted to say something.

i wanted to say sorry, but i really wasn't. he and troye are happy with each other, and he has no need to care for me so why should i apologize.

i was only a burden to them and nothing else. i didn't mean for this to happen. i thought i would be dead, he and troye alone in the house. i wanted them to be together. i didn't mean for me to be alive.

he finally spoke up, speaking in a low raspy  voice "dan, i think it would be best if i moved out for a while. it's only for you to recover and for you to have your space. i understand, so i'll be moving in with troye for a bit yeah?"

i didn't say anything. i couldn't. i wanted to scream, and yell at him. i wanted to tell him to stop being stupid, and think of what was actually happening. i didn't need space, what i need is someone to rely on and talk to, but now the house will be empty. he knows it's my biggest fear, to be alone.

he sat there, head bowed, but he didn't seem sad. it looked like all an act. which i understand, i would want to get away from me too, because he knows i'm unstable now. i knew he would leave once he knew. no one can handle the truth.

he stood up, rushing out the door. he didn't have a hurt look on his face, or he wasn't struggling to hold back the tears, like i was. he just looked emotionless, but i let him go, there's no need for him to waste his time on me. i didn't call for him like i wanted to. i just sat there, waiting for the door to shut, and as soon as it did, i let it sink in. that i no longer have anyone, no friends or family.

it was only phil. and now hes gone.