struggling➾ phan (complete)

13

phil is the kind of person you can never stop loving. you can't let go of his scent, his sweet vanilla scent. you can't let go of the way he would touch you like if you were the most fragile thing. or the way he looked at you like you were art.

but then you can't forget all those times he made you cry and the times he made you mad. the holes in the wall remind you too much of him, you have to get it repaired. but the truth is you can never let go. you have to smell his smell again, you want to be looked at like that again, you just want to be loved. and that's exactly how phil lester can make you feel.

he made me feel loved but the next minute, unwanted. he made me feel special but then like nothing. he can touch me and ill melt, but he can ignore me and i would fall apart. i can't handle phil. i don't understand his logic, or his way of loving me.

im in denial of his love. he says he loves me, i just can't believe it. nobody as special and beautiful as phil could love someone as repulsive and useless as me. he must be using me in some way that would benefit him, i know it's fake.

over the past few days that he's been back here, it's been how it always was. before he knew how much i adored him, before he knew everything about me. he was happy, and he was communicating with me. he tells me how his day was, he comforts me when i need it, he just makes me feel loved.

i promised myself i would stop loving him.

i can't let him hurt me again. i don't think i could handle the pain again, and im terrified of what might happen if i get hurt like that again.

A/N

wtf how did this get to 3.1k thank you guys sm oml. also this story is going somewhere and this was just a filler chapter you know.

-ur mum