A Fresh Start-After Mockingjay (Before the Epilogue)

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Katniss POV- (Midnight)

I wake up to my heart pounding out of my chest, realizing it was only a nightmare. I glance around the room and see nothing but darkness, realizing the true unlikeliness of a mutt of some sort jumping out at me.

My breathing slows down but the silence in the room allows me to hear the pounding in my head. Nausea from my alcohol intake sets in and I sit up, throwing my feet over the side of the bed, prepared to run for the bathroom. I hold my hand over my mouth and stand up, trying to see the door, which is ten times harder because I'm dizzy. My legs tremble with each step that I take. Finally, I find the door handle with just enough time to run across the hall, letting the burning liquid make it's reappearance. It burns just as bad coming up as it did going down. I flush the toilet and lean against the edge of the counter top. My cheeks are bright red and my body feels hot and clammy. Drinking like that was so immature of me but I'm paying for it now. I didn't down all that alcohol for any reason but to upset Peeta and it worked. He's not going to come to my aid because the furtherest he's come to helping me throughout the rest of the day was peeking his head in every few hours and then leaving. He did bring me food and some water once, but then the next time he came in, he saw I hadn't touched it so he took it with him.

I'm still mad at him though but maybe it's not necessarily him that I'm truly mad at but myself. I always find it to be that way. I hate myself. I hate myself for hurting Peeta and making myself seem so untrustworthy to him. I think he's insecure though, because of the past. He has absolutely no competition now, especially now that Gale is with Cressida, it's clear neither of us have feelings for each other. No one is going to take me from him, not Gale or anyone else. Peeta should believe me because ever since he came back, I've been nothing but honest with him about what I think and feel about anything he asks. Maybe I could've been more clear but I've still been more honest with him about my feelings than I ever have before. And I'm not sure if that was reality or just an illusion of the spirits I drank, but I'm pretty sure I even broke down, telling him that I loved him today.

I think back to this morning and feel embarrassment towards the way I acted towards Rooba, Greasy Sae and anyone else who saw me today in Twelve. They all know that I'm crazy but my behavior is no excuse, especially toward Sae who's always been very generous towards me.

I turn on the sink and hunch over it, putting my mouth under the cool flow of water. I rinse my mouth out, spitting the foul tasting acid down the drain. I quickly brush my teeth then close my eyes, my forehead resting against the faucet. I take a deep, shaky breath. I do not feel as good as I had hoped I would feel after I drank. I feel just as miserable as I usually do, but now, I'm sick. I bring my head up and look in the mirror, disgusted at the sight. My hair is a mess and I look tired and sickly. I can't even feel sorry for myself because I knew exactly how it would make me feel, yet, I did it anyways, just to spite Peeta.

I flip the light out and head back into my bedroom. I crawl back into bed, bringing my knees to my chest, remembering the muttations that haunted my sleep just minutes prior. One of the mutts looked like Snow, the other like Coin. Both of them had piercing snake eyes and white-gray coats. They were nagging at me, chasing me throughout the woods, right after I ran away from a picnic with Peeta in the Meadow. He had a bad flashback and was about to attack me. Just as Peeta's powerful arms slammed my body into the ground, he disappeared, leaving me breathless. When it happened, the Snow and Coin mutts bursted through the woods. I got up and ran as quickly as I could after they chased after me. I kept hearing President Snow's voice telling me, "It's the things we love the most, that destroy us." I remember how he used that saying as a clever ploy. He knew I would set Peeta off and he would attempt to hurt me after they rescued him. That's the only reason they let him go. But I can't help but to think about how true that statement is for Peeta's sake and anyone else that I've allowed myself to love. Because if there's one thing I know that I'm good at, it's hurting the people I care about the most.

After a few minutes, I'm too anxious to even stay in the room by myself, every noise or shadow convinces me that President Snow is approaching and is coming for me. Then, I can't help myself. I get up and creep down the hall by the light of my lantern, my vision still blurry. I hope that Peeta will still be as forgiving as he has always been with me and as welcoming. Surely, no matter how upset I've made him today, it's not enough for him to push me away tonight. Is it?

Peeta's bedroom door is open wide, the way it always is, my dim light illuminates his room as I enter. His eyes are closed and his right arm is extended across the second pillow. I set my lantern onto the bedside table on the opposite side of him. Carefully, I pull the blanket back and crawl into his open arms. He opens his tired eyes, allowing me in and encircling his arm around me firmly as I lay my head on his chest. He rubs my shoulder with his thumb. I shouldn't be here but he doesn't make me leave because I've realized that no matter how mad I make him, if I need his comfort, he will give it to me every time. I can tell by the fast-paced beat of his heart, that he was not asleep. I suppose I startled him or maybe he's been expecting me. I'm not sure but I hear him hesitate several times before in a low, shaky voice he asks, "You love me. Real or not real?"

Without hesitation or even second thought, I tell him, "Real."