A Fresh Start-After Mockingjay (Before the Epilogue)

Chapter Six

Katniss POV- (Later that day)

"Katniss, I know you're crazy but are you really that stupid?" Haymitch bursts into my house, coming into the kitchen where I was sitting, actually enjoying myself for a moment.

I look up, "I think we've established that, Haymitch." I say, taking a drink of hot tea.

"Shut up." He tells me, plopping down in the dining room chair across from me.

"Will there ever be a day you visit me that you don't burst into my house and insult me?"

"Quit pissing me off and it's possible."

I scowl, "What did I do now?"

"You kissed Peeta."

"And? Why does that concern you?"

Haymitch grabs my mug, taking a drink, ignoring me. I roll my eyes at him, "How do you know that?" I ask, annoyed that Sae ratted me out but it couldn't have been her.

"Peeta told me. You've confused the boy even more. Congratulations." He says sarcastically.

Of course I confused him. That's all I seem to be good at doing when it comes to Peeta. "Is he mad at me?" I ask.

"No but he sure as hell is mopey."

I groan, "Why?"

"Because you're stupid. Why the hell did you kiss him?"

"I couldn't help it. I was caught up in the moment and I needed to see how I felt and I-"

He cuts me off, "And you felt 'hurt.'Yeah, you're cute little word game has him questioning everything."

"He's the one that started it." I say, crossing my arms angrily.

Haymich glares at me, "Quit playing with that boy's head, Katniss." He warns.

"I'm not playing with Peeta. I never have been. I'm just not good at any of this like he is." I snap.

"There's nothing to be good at anymore, Katniss. This isn't a Game. It may have started out as one, but this is real life now. No more playing with his heart."

"You know I never purposefully did anything to hurt him."

Haymitch shrugs, "You owe him."

"I know that and I'm working really hard to try to figure out what it is that I feel for him." I tell him truthfully.

"You need to decide and decide it soon. Between the three of us, he's the only one that stands a chance at a full recovery. You've got to stop making him run around in circles."

I swallow hard, "I had a good talk with Sae earlier about him and Gale."

"And?"

"She helped me realize a lot of things about all three of us. Gale and I are too much alike in the worst ways possible and Peeta is still a saint."

He chuckles, "I can agree with that. You and Gale, you're both pretty reckless."

"That's why we could never be together, even if we wanted to."

"Do you want to?"

"I don't want anything to do with him."

He takes a deep breath, "It's all about balance."

"Well, Peeta would be it for me but I don't even know if I stand a chance now that Delly is back."

"You're crazy."

"Why?"

"Peeta doesn't like Delly. He likes you."

I sigh, shrugging my shoulders, "He deserves her."

"Yeah, he deserves anyone better than you but for some reason, he doesn't want anyone but you."

My heart flutters at this but I still feel horrible. "I really don't want to hurt him anymore."

"Then you need to decide what you're going to do to make sure that doesn't happen."

"What do you think I should do?"

Haymitch sighs, "I'm not your mentor anymore. It's up to you decide what you want with Peeta but just do it soon." He tells me, getting up and walking out.

I let out a frustrated groan, tossing my cup into the sink and leaning up against the counter.

If only Prim was here, she would know exactly what to say to make me feel better or to at least help me decide what I need to do. She would know what to say about Gale and she would know how to help me decipher between the two most important people in my life.

Why do I have to choose?

I love them both. I know that but it just seems so unfair. Part of me feels like Gale and I were only destined to be friends and nothing more. It's different with Peeta. He's been drawn to me for most of our lives and I had no idea because I was too preoccupied by the effects of hunger to notice. And now that I've noticed, he's all I can think about but I'm scared.

If I could just find a way to be his friend first, then maybe eventually, I could change my mind about being more? I could get better at being honest with myself and with him. I could find a way to stop hurting and confusing him. Being his friend first sounds so much easier than what we are doing but it seems like anytime we talk, we just argue or get our feelings hurt.

I wonder if Haymitch is right about Delly and Peeta?

I just wish, for Peeta's sake that he could allow himself to see other girls the way he sees me. Or at least attempt it because he's never going to get the things that he deserves in life from me. It's not that I wouldn't want to give him those things but I lived in fear of those things everyday and wanted to avoid them at all cost. That's probably the exact reason I have such a hard time being honest about my feelings towards Peeta. I've always tried to avoid those feelings but he just draws them out of me and it's terrifying.