A Fresh Start-After Mockingjay (Before the Epilogue)

Chapter Forty

Katniss POV- (The next morning)

I told Peeta. I finally told him how I feel about him and now, I'm so embarrassed to even be in this bed with him, wrapped in his safe embrace. He shouldn't be allowing this to happen and I shouldn't be allowing it either. I let my guard down and now he knows how I truly feel about him and there's no turning back. Not without destroying him again and who knows then if I would ever get him back? I'm terrified to discuss it because I know he's going to ask me questions that I'm not sure I have the answers to yet. Besides that, I'm so ashamed of the things I've done and how much I've hurt him the last four years, but more so since he's been home. Especially now that I've declared my love for him in two of my most vulnerable states; drunk and hungover.

Now that I'm sober again, I regret allowing the words to ever leave my mouth. Not because I don't mean them but because I was drunk when I said it. It wasn't motivated by a romantic moment between us and it wasn't spoken by a sober me, two things that I envisioned when I did finally get the guts to tell him. How could I claim to love him that much and continually hurt him in the worst ways possible?
I know he's thinking it too. Or he already has but maybe he doesn't care either way. I really love him and that's all he's ever wanted.

I turn my head and see that he's still sound asleep so I grab his hand gently and slowly remove it from around my body. I slowly sit up and hope he doesn't wake up, but of course, he does. He stirs and opens his blue eyes, "Katniss? What are you doing?" He asks tiredly, sitting up and stretching. It's as if he's forgotten yesterday's events and it's just another normal day but I know he will remember within a matter of seconds, after the sleep wears off.

I jump at the sound of his voice, my heart racing, "Oh, I'm sorry. I just had to go to the bathroom." I mumble to him, not making any eye contact.

"Okay." He says, sighing and slowly lays back down.

I hurry and get up, rushing to the bathroom, slamming the door closed behind me. I stand there stalling time for a few seconds before flushing the toilet and then I turn on the water. I splash cool water onto my hot face and sighing deeply.

I can't escape the consequences of my immaturity yesterday and I can't just ignore him. We live together and I could just go back to my room but I know he will come in there and want to talk to me. I'm fine with him knowing how I truly feel but I'm not fine with him knowing about the intense shame I feel. I don't want him to know that I'm embarrassed about revealing my feelings. That by trying to protect him, all I've done is hurt him more. That I am afraid to commit, not because I don't want to but because I know I'll only hurt him by not knowing how to act. I know we can be honest with each other and it will be alright but I don't want to tell him everything. Especially, when I've hidden it so long from everyone, including myself. I'm scared for him to know that I love him. And I am terrified to allow myself to love anyone else.

My father and Prim. I loved Prim more than anyone and she's gone and Rue too. I've nearly lost Peeta multiple times and I lost Gale and my mother to better lives, away from me. Finnick too, who proved to be a better friend to me than I could have ever imagined. I don't know that I can allow myself to fully love Peeta and then watch him finally leave me for someone better when he realizes he could have anyone he's wants. When he realizes once again, that I'm not all that he thinks I am. I'm not as wonderful as Peeta thinks I am or thought I was. He has figured me out once and he will figure it out again, eventually. I'm violent, distrustful, manipulative, and deadly. He knows that better than anyone, yet, he still tries to look past it and find any ounce of good that I may have left and he works with it. I can't escape this. I can't avoid this anymore, not if I know what's good for either of us. Me continually avoiding this very conversation is the exact reason we have it so very often with no resolution and a fight.