A Fresh Start-After Mockingjay (Before the Epilogue)

Chapter Thirty-Six

Katniss POV- (2 days later, District Twelve)

When I wake up in Peeta's arms, I can't help but to feel like the happiest person in the world. Gale and Peeta were right that night. I chose who I couldn't survive without. I lived without Gale for months and sure, it was upsetting but I survived just fine. Now, it's obvious it's Peeta that I can't survive without. I lay there, staring at him as tears roll down my cheeks. I examine every inch of my Boy With the Bread. Peeta Mellark, the shy stranger I had no idea would mean so much to me one day. I examine his blond waves that are in desperate need of a cut. They fall softly across his forehead. His long eyelashes conceal his beautiful blue eyes. His nose. The lips I haven't been able to abandon since we reunited. The ones I keep kissing anytime he tries to bring up what I attempted in his absence. I haven't had the heart to admit it, even though I know he must know that I planned to off myself. It was almost too late but nothing short of a miracle when Peeta sent Gale to save me right when I needed it most. Peeta and I can't keep acting as if none of this ever happened but it's all too fresh to discuss it. Kissing him is much easier than trying explain something that'll never make sense to either of us.

I turn onto my stomach, resting my forehead against his shoulder. He begins to stir and after a second, I can tell by his breathing that he's awake. I lift my head up, looking right at him again, this time our eyes meeting each other's. Peeta smiles tiredly at me and I smile back, leaning my head back down. He gently runs his hand up and down my back, kissing the top of my head. "Hey." He says softly.

I smile embarrassingly, "Hey." I croak out.

"I'm never ever going to get tired of this view." Peeta tells me softly.

"What, the top of my head?" I tease him.

He laughs a little, "No. Waking up to you." I make a face that he catches. He tries to comment on it but before he can get another word out, I stop him with my lips. He tries to protest but falls into my trap, ultimately kissing me back.

How long before he puts a stop to my affection and asks how I am feeling about him? About what we are now that he's home, wondering if we are friends or more. But I still don't have that answer. I love Peeta but I'm still too afraid to utter those three simple words. I would much rather be a woman of actions, not words but I know this isn't always going to always going to slide with Peeta. Words are what he is best with. Peeta pulls me closer, deepening the kiss as my heart flutters. It feels good, so impossibly good that I know I won't be the first to let go. This is a kiss that makes the hunger I felt in the cave or on the beach swell into something much bigger. Making my long for his touch and human connection grow far beyond what I could ever imagine. Before I know it, I'm out of breath, nearly having to gasp for air as Peeta uses this as an opportunity to speak. "I know what you're trying to do." He mumbles against my chin, out of breath too as I rest my lips against his forehead.

I lean down, pressing another kiss to his lips, holding his face in my hands. "I'm not doing anything." I tell him, pecking his lips over and over until he pulls away completely, stoping me.

"Katniss, stop." He tells me, seeing through my affection. "You keep trying to avoid it but we can't avoid it forever." He tells me.

"I'm not ready to discuss what happened while you were away."

Peeta sighs, "It's the last thing I want to talk about but I have to know what was going on in that head of yours." He whispers, combing his fingers through my hair.

"Trust me, that's the last thing you want to know." I frown.

"I'm serious, Katniss. How could you have almost done something so unforgivable?" He asks me, obviously upset.

I close my eyes, the shame setting in. "I don't know but I could ask you the same thing about deciding to leave without talking to me first." I say, tears welling up in my eyes as I sit up and back away from him.

"I had to. I knew you wouldn't allow me to go otherwise." He says, sitting up now too.

"Yeah, and look how that turned out for us." I mumble angrily.

Peeta sighs, "I made a mistake but it wasn't a mistake as big as you almost made."

"Well, that's all I seen to be good at doing." I say, crossing my arms.

He stares at me. "I stopped you from taking nightlock after you killed Coin. Real or not real?" Peeta mumbles after a minute, his eyes shut tight.

I swallow hard, remembering how I went to reach for the pill, to end it all but Peeta was there to stop me. Just as my singing he fell in love with all those years ago stopped me from overdosing on morphling. Just as he knowingly sent Gale my way to save my life again. "Real." I breathe. Peeta has saved me countless times and I will never stop owing him for that.

"Don't you know that even if my hijacking says otherwise, I don't want you dead, Katniss." He says. I close my eyes as tears roll down my cheeks and Peeta reaches up, wiping them away with his thumb. I lay my head back down on his chest and he pulls me close again. "I can't lose you." He mumbles into my hair.

"Peeta, you have no idea how lonely I was without you."

"I'm so sorry that I left you but I am never leaving you again, Katniss." He assures me.

I close my eyes, "I didn't want to leave you either but I didn't know what else to do. I've lost it, Peeta. After you left, I never felt more insane in my entire life." I admit.

"How do you feel now?"

"Better but it doesn't matter. I'll always be crazy."

He laughs a little, "We both will be but that doesn't mean we can't learn to live with it."

"We shouldn't have to."

"No, we shouldn't. It's not fair but it's the cards we were dealt. We can't stop playing because of a minor setback." Peeta tells me.

I swallow hard, "Sometimes, it feels like it's easier to quit because winning seems impossible." I tell him truthfully. Will Peeta and I ever live a somewhat normal life?

"Katniss, please be honest with me about something?"

I sigh, here we go. "What?"

"Do I really help you?"

"You're the only reason I'm still alive. You're the only reason I want to be." I tell him truthfully.

Peeta sighs, looking a little relieved. He rubs my arm with his thumb. "You still just want to be friends, don't you?" He asks me knowingly.

I hold my breath, "Yes." I whisper softly, expecting him to let me go and push me away but he just keeps holding me. Neither of us daring to let each other go.