When you Awoke{Romanogers}

Ch 81

A/N: set before they were dating
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Remember to be cold
Don't show them your weaknesses
You'll break them.
One step, one miserable step. That's all it took.
All it took for her to lose her freedom, her sense of security. The fragile hold she had on life. Broken, shards of glass once beautiful and pure, stained with the blood of her ledger.
The metallic scent of it burning her senses, rendering them useless. The gun she held dropped onto the floor, and an almost choked out sob dared to spill from her mouth.
"I didn't...I'm sorry," Natasha held back another sob.
Shadows taunted her from afar, laughing, grinning even, daring her to come closer to them.
Natasha covered her ears, shaking her head uncontrollably, eyes brimming with tears. She fell to the ground, her legs collapsing underneath her, unable to handle the shaking mass that was Natasha. She huddled in a fetal position, the shadows growing closer, their voices louder now. She screamed out, her voice breaking into a million pieces, and suddenly, the taunting stopped.
Surveying the options on why they stopped, Natasha saw a shield.
It was surrounded in a spotlight, glinting off the painted metal. She crept closer, the shadows still surrounding her, their voices only a dull buzz in her head. Only a few inches from it, she reached out a pale hand, tremors of fear racking her whole body.
When her hand touched it, Natasha's head whipped back and let out a guttural scream. Her body felt like it was on fire. Her whole body was burning, and she felt the need to claw it off  ferociously. Startled, she woke up in cold sweat, her breathing harsh and she could feel her heart beating against her chest. Shaking her head, she gets out of bed, putting on a large gray wool sweater, and heads towards the balcony outside her room.
~X~
At first glance, Natasha almost looked sullen, almost deadly pale in her sleep. He had been asked to stay close, ever since they both moved into the Tower.
This was the third time he heard her scream tonight, and finally, he was getting worried.
Steve couldn't even describe how hard he fell for the woman. Her charming personality and humor that sent chills up his spine. Now he was in her room, the warm atmosphere not helping calm his nerves.
Instead of standing at the foot of her bed like a creep, he went out side and sat in an old, faded chair.
~X~
She noticed him right away. Fear always made her senses more acute.
He was staring at the night sky, fascinated by the stars, and she swore she saw a child like gleeness that warmed in her stomach. She almost wanted to crawl up in his lap and just sleep right there.
No, you can't have that. Everything you love will die.
"Can't sleep?" He didn't turn to look at her, but she could see the slight concern in his eyes.
She scoffed at him, sending a teasing glare that she knew he didn't see.
"You're currently sitting on my chair on my balcony while I'm in nothing but a sweater and my underwear Rogers."
"Yet that didn't stop you from coming out here," he flashed a smile at her, finally looking into her eyes," I can see the fear in your eyes Nat, it's okay to talk to me."
Another warm feeling in her stomach arises, but she quickly extinguished it.
She smirked at him, trying to hide the uncertainty in her voice. "What are you, my psychiatrist? I don't need you getting in my personal life Rogers."
Natasha saw the hurt in his eyes and she wanted to look away, but she couldn't. He saw it too, and got up from his chair to wrap a friendly arm around her waist, bringing her closer to him.
"Nat, tell me what's on your mind."
She took a deep breath, and sighed deeply, turning her head up to stare at the sky.
"It's the same dream over and over again. I'm holding a gun, and I'm being yelled at to shoot, but at nothing. The shouts and orders were becoming to much to bear, so I follow them. I hear a scream, followed by the scent of blood and the laughter of the shadows," she paused, hanging her head and swallowing a small sob trying to escape. Natasha looks back up at Steve and smiled at him, laughing silently," I laugh with them too, for I don't know who I just murdered. Sometimes I stop laughing, and a light shines. It is always so brilliant, so much so I walk towards it. When I get closer, I see blood. All over my hands and clothes," she stops again, blinking a couple of times as if she actually sees the blood," I see a shield too, strew out in the light. When I get closer, the shadows stop laughing, and they start taunting and yelling at me. I always run towards the shield, and when I touch it, I get a glimpse of your body......mangle and broken beyond fixing." Natasha took a step back from the railing and looked at Steve, who had a mask of pure sadness for Natasha.
She narrowed her eyes at him, furious that he believed she needed his pity. This was her punishment, her immortal suffering each night. Every murder, every killing she had done. This was the worlds saying that she needed to be punished.
"I don't need your pity Rogers!" She spat at him.
"And I know you don't. You need a friend, and I'm willing to be that friend." He sounded so honest they she couldn't just say no.
"Fine, but no more emotional bullsh*t with me please. I had enough for one night." She walked past him and sat on her bed, patting a spot so he could sit next to her.
When he didn't move, Natasha raised an eyebrow at him. "You coming soldier? Or am I going to have to watch you freeze to death a second time?"
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A/N: if I knew how to write depression better, this wouldn't have been so scrambled. Guys, depression is not something that should be taken lightly. It's a serious problem that needs to be fixed before something goes wrong. I hate it when authors try to write depression and fail horribly, just like I am now. This chapter and others coming out are going to be just as scrambled as this, mostly because I no longer have an editor. I'm now writing and editing my own work, and it saddens me because one of my old editors knows how to write depression and sadness, but left because she got to busy to help me.
However, on a more positive note, I was tagged by JessMcKeown to do some sort of questions. So tomorrow I'll be posting said questions in this chapter. Thanks Jess ( ꒪Д꒪)ノ  (now I have to awkwardly answer questions yay XD)

    Happy Reading!
        ~Forever RedWind