Never As It Seems

Chapter 38

Amber received Matt's warm embrace and questions of concern, all the time her heart pounding, as she kept one eye on Jay who was pacing the room. What did he have to tell her? Was this the secret he'd been keeping from her all along? Or was it something further still that was going to come between them? Eventually the room was silent and they all looked between each other, waiting for something to happen. Jay drew in an audible breath and walked towards her. He nodded in the direction of his brother and took Amber's hand. Leading her across the suite, the lump in her throat grew. She wanted to cry but she had no idea why. It felt like she was standing on the edge of a cliff and no matter what happened, she was going to go over the edge.

He led her to his bedroom and letting go of her hand, he closed the door behind them. She took a few steps into the room. Familiar items of his clothing were strewn over chairs and spilling out of his open duffel bag. It smelled like him and she resisted the urge to wrap herself in his arms. Trying to find some of her original anger, she couldn't do it when she turned and looked at him, still standing with his back to the door. He looked like he hadn't slept for days and by the look of his bed, which was made to perfection, apart from one of the pillows having an indentation where his head must have rested at some point, he probably hadn't. He studied her the same way she was studying him. The same way he had studied her back in the cafeteria at the arena when they'd first met. Back then it had made her weak at the knees, now it only increased her fear.

"How are you feeling?" He finally said and he rolled his eyes at his own words as Amber raised her eyebrows at the question that didn't warrant an answer.

She wanted to say something to make him realise how angry she had been but she knew her voice would come out shaky, so she waited.

"I'm sorry Amber." He hung his head. "I can't even say what for anymore because there's so much. I just seem to let you down at every turn."

"I don't know what to say anymore either." She managed.

He gestured for her to sit and she sat down on the bed. Remaining standing and silent, he began pacing the room again.

"Jay please!" Amber rested her hand on the bed beside her. He stopped pacing and sat, glaring at the floor.

"You've always been so wise Amb." He mused.

She sniggered and he held up a hand to silence her.

"No listen to me." He said. "You said we'd never work if I kept secrets from you and you were right."

Amber squirmed, wanting to protest but respecting his request to hear him out, she just shook her head.

"Well I'm guessing at this stage I've lost you anyway but you need to know now." He looked at her.

Her heart did a flip. All this time she had wanted so desperately to know what Jay's big secret was but now he was about to tell her, she didn't want to know anymore. She had a terrible feeling of dread and she tried to hide the fact her hands were shaking by sitting on them. She composed herself as best she could and looked back at him, nodding her readiness for him to start. He nodded back, searching her eyes.

"I need you to know I love you." He smiled sadly.

"I know."

He closed his eyes and swore. "This is so hard!"

Amber put a hand on his. It was still shaking but she needed to help him to at least start. It worked and he opened his eyes and stood up.

"Okay. Here goes. It um happened a few years ago. Just after Christmas. Matt had been away so my parents put on this big meal when he got back to make up for it. Mum had forgotten cranberry sauce so I told her I'd go and get it. I needed a run anyway." He sat on the desk. "It was raining and I was soaked by the time I got to the shop. They didn't have any of the stuff so I had to run on to the next place. I was in a bad mood by the time I got there, cold and soaked and I hadn't planned on running so far and still had to get back. Anyway I got the sauce and as I walked out of the shop there was this guy."