Never As It Seems

Chapter 32

Her legs felt like lead and her mouth was dry but somehow, after a quick check in the mirror, Amber found herself walking to the sitting room. He had his back to her, surveying the city lights from the huge window. She took a deep breath and he must have heard as he turned around.

They looked at each other for what seemed like an age but must have only been a few seconds. Amber didn't know what she had expected to feel if she ever saw Jay again but right at that moment she felt nothing. If anything she felt like she was in some strange state of auto-pilot, like it wasn't real so she didn't have to feel anything. It was a relief. But then he spoke.

"I didn't know if I should come up."

The sound of his voice triggered something inside her and she couldn't respond. She fought down the lump in her throat and waited for him to say something else.

"Err I had to at least say hi." He said as the awkward tension in the room grew.

She smiled in response and frantically searched for some words.

The door opened and Callum breezed in. He looked at Jay, "Oh hi." He said, like they saw each other every day. He planted himself on the plush couch and switched on the TV.

Amber glared at him not sure what to do now but when she looked back at Jay he was smiling and she couldn't help mirroring him.

"Do you want to go out there?" Jay motioned toward the balcony.

Amber wasn't sure what she wanted to do but she nodded in agreement anyway and her feet worked in spite of her frozen mind.

They surveyed the city below, Jay leaning against the rail with his back to Amber, who was still standing by the door. Eventually he turned to face her but she was back to being unable to look at him.

"So how are you?" He asked.

"I'm fine." She answered a little too quickly.

"I guess I meant how have you been?" He frowned.

Amber knew what he was asking but played dumb.

"Err busy I guess." She dodged his question.

He stepped forward and Amber stepped back, hitting the closed door behind her. Feeling clumsy, she wished this was over and that she could curl up in bed and forget about it all.

"I meant how have you been since we... Well... You know." He rubbed the back of his head and she got the impression he no longer wanted to be there either.

Amber stared at the ground and shrugged. She didn't answer him and he let out a slight sigh.

"I should probably go." He said. "I just wanted to say hi."

He stepped towards her again and for a second Amber wondered what he was going to do until she realised she was blocking the door. He was close now and as she awkwardly moved to the side, she caught a hint of his scent. At that moment her heart ached and she closed her eyes.

"Are you Ok?" He asked.

She nodded trying to ignore the waves of sadness and longing that pulsed through her.

Jay studied her for a few seconds, the intense way he always used to. Although she wasn't looking at them, she could feel his eyes burning into her. She saw his hand move slightly, as though he was going to reach out to her but he dropped it again and moved past her to open the door.

Amber inwardly screamed at herself to say something, anything that would make him stay a little longer but the words just wouldn't come. She followed him into the suite and to the door to the hallway. He opened it and stepped into the corridor.

"It was good to see you." He said genuinely.

"You too." Amber managed.

He turned and headed for the stairs leaving Amber standing in the doorway, feeling both relieved and sad that he was gone. After a few seconds she closed the door and started towards the bedroom. Halfway there, she changed her mind. She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts so she joined her brother on the couch.

"Well that was awkward." He acknowledged without looking away from the TV.

She couldn't help a smile at her little brother's frankness. It didn't last long though as the weight of the situation rested on her again. Whatever Callum was watching was lost on her while her mind and emotions played the conversation on the balcony over and over. The more she thought, the bigger the knot in her stomach and the lump in her throat became. When she thought about the moment just before he left, when he was close enough for her to feel his warmth, she felt sick. Sick because she'd let him go? Or sick because she'd seen him at all? She wasn't sure but her heart ached and she didn't know if she could close it off again.

Erin and their parents burst through the door armed with shopping bags. For a few moments Amber got lost in the activity of their arrival and Erin's constant chatter about the purchases for her upcoming birthday. But the nerve induced knot inside her was always there. The relief was short lived as the anguish she felt took over again and when dinner in the restaurant was suggested, Amber declined and headed for her room.

When the suite was finally quiet, she emerged and wandered through the rooms, not really knowing what to do with herself. Her stomach grumbled. She should have gone to dinner but the thought of bumping into Jay, or anyone else for that matter was incomprehensible. She found herself out on the balcony again, her thoughts arguing with each other. One minute she chastised herself for allowing herself to be this affected by seeing him and the next she reminded herself she was only human and that it wasn't healthy to push feelings down. Again though the stronger voice won, urging her to forget it and move on. She headed back towards the door, intending on packing her bag so that she could go home in the morning. Before she got inside though, her phone chirped.

It was an unrecognised number to her phone but Amber recognised it well. It was the number that one night, weeks back, she had deleted in an attempt to get some closure. She stared at the unopened message, nervous but not knowing why. Sitting down on one of the metal chairs, she shivered and pulled her hoodie tighter around her. Taking a deep breath, she opened the message.

"I screwed up earlier. I'm sorry. Can we try again? Drink?"

Amber instantly began typing back her rejection of the invitation. Her fingers moved over the phone ahead of her mind. Finally her heart caught up and she stopped and deleted the response she had almost sent. She stared at Jay's message. Reading it over and over again and battling with her conflicting thoughts. She knew he'd be waiting for a response but she couldn't put one together because she was torn. Abruptly she put the phone in her pocket and went inside.

After half an hour in bed, her mind ached from jumping backwards and forwards. She couldn't fight it anymore. Amber knew she wanted to see Jay again but she was terrified of what that would mean. She'd made her decision. She would see him but play it cool. She would keep a check on her feelings and not let him charm her as he always used to. She'd been strong for this long, she could do it again. She fired off a quick reply.

"Tomorrow?" That sounded cool enough didn't it?

She could hear her family laughing in the sitting room.

The reply came almost instantly. "Ok"

Laying back and attempting to relax, she chastised herself for still having her phone in her hand. Putting it on the nightstand, she closed her eyes when she heard her sister enter the room. She pretended she was asleep, not wanting to discuss what had happened between them earlier. She was still awake long after she heard Erin's deep, sleep induced breathing begin.

The hours of trying to sleep were frustrating so Amber decided to get up and attempt to distract herself with the TV. Reaching out for her phone, it lit up and made her jump. It was Jay.

"I need to see you now."