Bent, Not Broken: My Scoliosis Story (among other things)

Doctors

    Around Thanksgiving a while back, it seemed as if all I ever saw were doctors. Now, that statement is rash and completely exaggerated, but I felt I would never be able to scrub the scent of hospitals from my skin. At first, it was just pneumonia. I went to the doctors' for an X-Ray, and after hours of speculation, it was deemed inconclusive. Two prescriptions and several sick days later, however, our GP (General Practitioner) called back to say that although the X-Rays were inconclusive for Pneumonia, they had seen what appeared to be a scoliosis on the upper part of my spine during the chest X-Ray. So again I was carted to the GP's, who sent me to the Radiologist (X-Ray specialist), who sent me back to GP, who finally did an exam.
    "Bend over and touch your toes." I did. "Walk across the room on your heels." I obeyed. "Now stand straight." I stood straight. "No, honey, stand straight." I stood as tall as I could. After another five minutes of bending, walking, standing, and just being generally confused about my experience, my doctor sighed. "She does have scoliosis," she said, turning towards the X-Rays "I'll send these over to the radiologist to be measured." Having no idea what scoliosis was, and feeling far too foolish to ask, I nodded, eyeing the bend in my spine.
When I got home, I was still in a silent frenzy. I scoured the internet for information, what I had and how I had it, but no site, no doctors, no research would yield the answer to the question I most desperately needed to ask: why me? I spent hours staring at my form in the mirror with tears in my eyes, trying hard to see something that seemed invisible to my eyes. Soon, I began noticing small things that I had never thought twice about. I can't arch my back backwards without sticking my hips out, one shoulder is higher than the other, my rib pokes out, things like that. I criticized every abnormality my condition brought on, and watched tearfully for the next weeks as my body changed and deformed in a way I couldn't quite grasp.
I felt ugly, I felt broken. My appointment with the orthopedic surgeon came and went, and he didn't want to take new X-Rays, so he told me to come back in six months. And I waited. And waited. I'm still waiting, for that matter, but I know how this goes. I have seen my figure contort, watched hopelessly as I twisted and bent, silently screamed as everyday things came with a dull ache, like sitting or standing. I'm on a swim team, and as I was trying on a suit today, my mother pointed out how twisted my figure has become. I know. I've been taking pictures in a swim suit, my body slightly twisting with each frame. I'm going to need to be braced within a few months, and we all know it. What I don't know, however, is how everyone else will take it. And in that light, I am terrified.

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Hey guys! Sorry if this was a bad chapter, I just needed to get that out. If you haven't already, you should check out Letters I'll Never Send, which goes hand in hand with this book. I hope you all are feeling well inside and out, and that you are happy right now. I'm trying to pull myself together to write about my dad, but I just can't seem to make the words work. I'm probably going to write the next chapter about Nolen (all names are changed for the privacy of the people who don't know I'm writing about them) I'm pretty sure you don't know who he is yet (unless you're reading Letters I'll Never Send) but he's a pretty important piece of my story. If you're comfortable, feel free to share your stories in the comments or message me, I love meeting new people and I'm always here for you guys.
Much love,
-E