Bent, Not Broken: My Scoliosis Story (among other things)

A Little Bit of Life

    So, it's been a few days since the cast-molding appointment with my orthotist. And I don't know, I guess I'm just trying to be normal for a few weeks, but at the same time I'm trying really hard to embrace this (no pun intended.) A little bit of life is just catching up with me, I guess. Nolen only sort of talks to me. It's pity, and I want no part of it. It's been about a month, and the relationship was so short as is. When he dumped me, I had so much going on, I could drown it out fairly easily. So it's not even the loss that's catching up with me, it's the thought behind it. He can deny it and deny it, but he dumped me within 24 hours of my telling him I needed bracing. And that scares me a little he seemed so supportive about it, when it was just an idea. Meanwhile, remember Max? My guy friend (who also happens to have been my first boyfriend that I never talk about because I was really young and it was really awkward?) Well him and I are close, obviously. But recently he's been falling head over heels for this girl named Audrey.
    In case you don't go to my school (which I'm really hoping you don't!), Audrey is one of the higher-up members of the Populars at our schools. I did not come up with such a creative name for the social anarchy as "Populars" but everyone calls them that. No points for originality on THAT ONE. And in case you weren't paying attention, they tend to kind of be jerks. And even if Audrey herself really cares about him, her friends don't. Even if she won't hurt him, her friends will. They've kind of got a vendetta against him, don't ask me why. But anyways, he's obsessed. I guess they are kind of cute together, but she's smart. She's been keeping her distance. I think she knows how badly her friend could make that end. She does like him, but she's keeping herself safe for now. Or at least, she's keeping herself secret.
    Max and I, our "relationship" or "friendship" or whatever you want to call it, it's built completely off of sarcasm and gentle teasing. Well, mostly. He actually is a good guy, and he will get into real conversations. But we generally choose not to. So being the friends that we are, I naturally have spent about 60% of my time with him recently teasing him about Audrey. It's all fun and games, and we both know nobody's hurt by it. In fact, I almost think he enjoys being able to talk about her like that. But he's so wrapped up in keeping Audrey from being scared and getting hurt that I think he's forgetting to protect himself. Because no matter how much I joke about Audrey around him, we both know it's no joke. You should see him look at her, or even talk about her. It's the stuff of movies, and I'd be lying if I said it hasn't been awkward for me to see that from time to time, considering the situations we've been in and things we've talked about.
    He's in love. And he's going to get hurt, I can see it. Girls like Audrey walk all over nice guys like Max, and if she won't her friends will. But I just can't bring myself to take the light out of his eyes. Max and I, we've both been in some pretty dark times emotionally. I don't think he's cut himself. But when we both hit our lows, we both stuck together. Since then, I think both of us have been getting pretty good at acting happy. But I can see through it. And when he's talking about Audrey, his eyes light up for real. He looks genuinely happy for the first time in ages. But as scared as I am to take that away, I'm afraid of how hard it will be for him when it ends. He'd lose himself. And if we're going to be honest, I have no idea where the line is between Max and I. I'd be lying if I said I haven't seen him like that from time to time. But I'd never tell him. I guess I'm maybe jealous? But let me paint it this way:
    We've been really close for over a year. We've both seen each other at our best, and at our worst. He's the only one who's been able to be real with me through all of this. I don't get pity from him. In fact, from him I know I'm not the only one with chronic illness... We've been working through diagnosis and treatment together, for completely different things. When you go through such extreme mental and physical trouble with someone, you become close. You just do. And I know what pushes him over. I know his triggers, and I know Audrey and her friends will pull every single one.
    I'm not saying I'm attracted to him. I wish I knew if I was, but at the same time, I don't want to know. If someone else does, let me know... I'm not even saying I deserve him. But he's one of my best friends. We've always been able to lean on each other. And I feel awful not saying anything. But I know his triggers, and I guess I'm afraid I'll pull one. It's hard to see someone go through some of the same things you did, to pull through with them, and see them walk so clearly into a pit. He'll be happy for weeks, mind you. He'll finally love her, love himself. Until he doesn't. And that's when I guess it all falls down...