Bent, Not Broken: My Scoliosis Story (among other things)

Worth It

    Today wasn't perfect, but it was better. I woke up somehow at peace with this whole thing, and was remarkably at ease. It's not like I woke up and said "Oh, I'm so happy I'm going to be stuck in a plastic shell for years of my life," but I wasn't so damn worried about everything, which was a weight off my shoulders. (Good thing too, because my back hurt like crap...) I took another picture in the same swimsuit today as I have been, and finally pulled myself together to lay them all out- and let me tell you, it wasn't pretty. This summer, I would've laughed if you told me I looked crooked in any way- because I really didn't. There's a gap after that between when swim ended and my appointments start, but even then, there wasn't a huge visible asymmetry. I took a photo every two weeks after that, and especially in the past month, you can see the difference. On a bad day, seeing this distortion of my figure, I might have gotten sullen, but today, I was fascinated.
    Looking at how my spine warped my body from week to week to month to month really validated in my mind that the decision to be braced wouldn't be so bad- hopefully, this mess of a change will slow or stop. And that in itself is uplifting.
    I haven't talked to Nolen, but I have sworn I'll tell him when I do... It's not fair to hide something like that, especially when the bracing is so imminent. I'm scared, yes, but I'm also hopeful. As terrified as I am, there is a part of me that hopes he'll support me, that he'll tell me it's ok. I'd see Damien again and laugh- he was wrong. He will always be wrong, whether Nolen takes it well or not- because I've already beaten him. The few friends I've told have been amazing, and it's wonderful to get it off my chest. They do care about me, no matter how bent I get. As for him, I'd feel safe in saying he's got a mind more twisted than my back, and although I know he'll haunt me on my bad days, I refuse to let him see my good ones.
    I don't know why I'm so happy, because I still have to talk to Nolen and get braced and my back hurts like hell right now, but somehow it's freeing to feel this way. I'm on an emotional rollercoaster and it's finally going up. After all, he thinks I'm beautiful. And right now?

I believe him.