Bent, Not Broken: My Scoliosis Story (among other things)

February 24th- Appointment Tips, What to Expect, and My Appointment

        (I'm so sorry this is like a week overdue. It's just been crazy)
Hey guys! I decided that I'm going to be writing this chapter throughout the day and publish it at the end of the day. If I do end up doing a vlog, I'll either put it on my website (which is VERY VERY incomplete) or put it up on youtube. Either way, I'll let you know if I do a vlog and where I put it somewhere later in this chapter. So it's around 10:00 right now, and we decided we'll either wait until after the appointment or go between stuff instead of eating so early. Right now, though, I feel like I've finally got my pre-appointment routine down to a science. The first few appointments, I found myself always wishing I had remembered to do or bring something. Since I've got a while, I thought I'd include what my tips for a smoother/less embarrassing appointment! Here are my tips:

1) If you're a girl, I'd recommend wearing a sports bra or some other bra with more coverage. Some places don't make you take off your bra for X-Rays if you don't have metal on it, but for me, I just don't like feeling so exposed as I do in a bra with less coverage. If you're going in for brace fittings, though, you should probably wear what you're used to so that the brace fits well with it.

2) Bring something to entertain yourself. This seems obvious, but you'd be surprised how long you have to wait for X-Rays and the appointment. If you're bringing a device that plays music, bring headphones. I forgot to bring mine to one of my first appointments, and there's NO respectful way to play music in the waiting room. If you're missing school, I suggest bringing your schoolwork and doing it while you're waiting. It makes it a lot easier to catch up.

3) Make sure you have everything set out ahead of time. I tend to be a little bit of a train-wreck on appointment days, and especially if you have to go in very early, it's just one less thing to worry about. For people with long hair, you should bring a hair-tie, because they'll have you put your hair up for the X-Rays.

4) Relax. Stressing out and worrying isn't going to make the appointment go any better. In fact, it'll probably make it harder on you once you get there. It's easier said than done, but try to keep an open mind. You have reason to be stressed, but it can make the whole experience a lot harder. Which leads to...

5) If you think of any questions before the appointment, write them down and take them with you. Don't be afraid to ask questions. It's your body, and your lifestyle. If you're having back pain, noticing a physical difference, or are just curious about something, ask your doctor! It's their job to help you through this, and they can likely give you a little peace of mind. Pointing out pain or deformity doesn't make you weak, it makes you smart. Your doctor can help you figure out what's causing it, and how to make it better. Lastly...

6) Be careful about Googling things. It can be really tempting to spend hours reading and watching videos about what could happen, and about what scoliosis is. It's healthy and helpful to know a little more about your condition and your body. It can also help you prepare yourself for the appointment. But I definitely recommend sticking to sites of hospitals or clinics for medical information. When you're looking to see other people's experiences, I recommend taking everything with a grain of salt. There are plenty of inspiring and informational stories out there, but be careful not to end up on things like "tumors causing scoliosis" or "why I hate my back brace." Things like that, although possible, are really unlikely.

    So those are the basic tips I have for anyone who's getting ready for an appointment. I'll keep you posted!

The Appointment:
I'm writing in past tense so it's easier to understand ;)
Before my appointment, I had to go get X-rays. I only had to get one taken this time, a standing X-ray that went from my shoulders to a bit past my hips. The X-rays went fairly quickly once I got in there, but there was about a thirty minute wait to get them taken. My nerves did NOT help the time pass faster. Soon, I was back in the waiting room, waiting to see my orthopedic doctor. After almost an hour, I was called in, shaking with nerves. It took a while for the doctor to see me after the regular height/weight stuff. I grew just barely in the last few weeks. I was a little shocked that I was allowed to stay in my clothes (no hospital gown), and the appointment went fairly fast. In about four to five weeks my curves went from a worry-free 17 degrees as my lumbar and 16.5 as my thoracic to 25.3 degrees for my lumbar (dominant curve) and 17 for my thoracic. Five weeks. Eight degrees. I was shocked. My orthopedist looked me in the eye and told me he recommended we start thinking about bracing. I just nodded, numb to the last thing I wanted to hear. He said a TLSO brace would be the way to go since my curve was progressing and still relatively minor (officially moderate, but barely that) I kept nodding as he told me he was going to send me to an orthotist named Andrea to get my brace molded. I went through the rest of the appointment just nodding numbly. No tears in my eyes, no nothing. When we got to the car, I laughed it off, still most likely in shock. It'll be fine, I told my mom, although the only person I wanted convinced was myself.

The (Immediate) Aftermath:
    We drove to a Subway, and I sat picking at my food as my mom scheduled my bracing with a perky voice over the phone. Soon after, my dad called, pulling me out of my haze. "You know, I have a great idea..." he starts, in a tone I know well. Mocking. Joking. A hurtful tone that implied whatever came next would be a joke that I had taken every other day of my life. Not today, I thought, not now. "I don't want to hear it." I said, my tone more cold than I had anticipated, my voice braver than I felt. "Well guess what?" he replied, and I knew. I knew I'd have to hear it. Tears in my eyes, knowing, just knowing whatever came next would sting. No. I can't. I can't do this, not now. "Goodbye, dad." I whispered, voice shaking, ready to hang up. To give up. "Your fault-" were the last words I heard come through before the tears in my eyes clouded the image of my finger slamming down, the call ending. But I wouldn't cry. I refuse to give him the satisfaction. My mom scolded me from across the table for being so rude, not seeing the tears as they dried from my eyes. It didn't matter. I had already blurred her words in my mind, slipping back into the numbness, where I couldn't feel anything. Went back to nodding, to ignoring the world, the words. Me. I made it until late in bed that night before I cried, and I almost wanted it to be an uproar. Screaming and hitting or sobbing. Letting the world know how much it hurt me. I wanted to explode, but I didn't have it in me. I was exhausted, numb, and overloaded with emotion all at once. So I wept silently into the night. I think sometimes, crying feels a lot longer than it is. When you're crying, it feels as if it will never end. But it did, and I cried until I couldn't cry any longer, and slipped into a numb, dreamless sleep.